Friday, July 29, 2005

and one more academic week zoomed past me, one week closer to my Preliminary Examinations, and in the most pessimistic form of expression, one week lesser for me to do my revision. nothing much has been done since the post mortem, despite my extremely high level of awareness. been rushing tutorials, tutorials, tutorials, and blindly attempting some questions that i always thought i had no problem doing(but turned out otherwise). sigh!

im so gonna whine again. recently i spoke, over dinner, to a friend whom ive not known for a very long time. we've not really had such a nice chat before, so it was a kinda in the spur of a moment thing. i was really kinda surprised at the extent to which we share the same sentiments. almost every scenario, every feeling at every point of time that he described to me sounded familiar. and this only goes further to show that the person who's seemingly happy, noisy, cheerful and outgoing on the outside, could well be the most insecure, unhappy, troubled and sad on the inside.

it's just like a clown~ a clown performs for all of us, does really really really stupid things to make us laugh our evening away. that's because it's in a clown's nature to act stupid for the sake of entertaining his audience. behind that clown's mask, we can really never know how much sorrow there is, how much heartache, how much pain he might have gone through or might be going through. the clown's actions during a performance, is no less a facade than his mask and make-up and costume. people walk out of the performing theatre talking and joking over the clown's hilarious actions and stupid moves. it's remembered as a moment of happiness, but nobody really knows who the clown really is. time and again, the clown appears before different audiences, repeating his same old stupid acts, but never once looking tired. it's become so much of a nature, that whenever he goes on stage, he puts on a smiley face, a strong front, amidst tears that he painstakingly fought back.

at the end of the day, you feel stupid. because u did all u could, went all out, felt tired. everyone else feels happy, but you don't. they feel happy because you made them laugh. and everytime they see you, they assume a bubbly appearance would be coming from u, that is probably made up. but they don't know, and they don't care how insecure you are. they do things without considering your feelings just because you didnt say it out, for you care about how the whole group feels and will go to any extent to prevent any form of unhappiness.

but one day, you act a little differently from your "usual" behaviour, like suddenly keep quiet or something cos you really feel like settling down for once, people think you're seeking attention.

feels like an obligation to remain a clown for life, and everytime u see an audience, you must put up a brave front.

okay i sound whiny enough... sometimes it's really sickening to know that you feel this way. not that you wanted it, but yeah, it just comes and never goes.

Preliminary ExaminationS i love you. Hooray!

ok fine... peace out.

Long gone, the comfort i had before.
Never knew i would feel this way... sigh.
It really makes me vulnerable.