Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Differences. It is amazing, how a group of people being together can cause so much happiness and team spirit, fun and laughter, strength and unity, and most of all, identity. At the same time, it’s also amazing how doing so, could make an individual feel so out of place, and realize that he/she is different from the rest of the group in many ways; or rather, realize that he/she does not actually belong to that group at all.

At 18, you ought to know who are people you can keep for life, share secrets with, call up whenever you feel like it, go home together with, and hang out for dinner with and more. Basically, a person called your friend. I wont use the phrase "true friend" here cos it carries with it a touch of nonage in me. From primary school to secondary school, and now to JC, very very sadly, I have yet to find anyone like that, and I wonder why. Everytime I hear people around me talk about meeting their secondary school cliques for dinner, for shopping, for movie and stuff like that, there’s always this huge sense of jealousy. And I will start asking myself why do I always fail to foster such close friendships with anyone?

All my life, Ive been trying to establish myself as an outgoing person, one whos able to interact and speak effectively. And all my life, people laugh because of my jokes, my stupid actions, my laughter, my self-degradation. All my life, people feel comfortable with me, but never find my company a real need. All my life, people love to see me sing and dance and act dumb, but its all for leisure purposes. All my life, I put on a façade that everyone sees, but NONE of the people in my life bother to find out what’s behind it. All my life, Ive been trying to make the best of friends ever, but everyone else seems to have his own best of friends already.

Perhaps, all my life, people see me as an extremely insincere, only-know-how-to-talk-and-play, dunno-how-to-be-serious asshole, who is free of problems, and whos full time job is to make them laugh whenever needed. Perhaps, all my life, people found me extremely irritating and unbearable and stupid and gay.

And people like to say "Hey! We are/Im always here for you!" but every time they finish saying that, they turn away. And at that very moment that you need him/her, they’re always not there. But when I say it, I mean it. The only fault lies in that I do not give people the kind of trustworthy feeling. RIGHT?

I do not fascinate walking around the blank campus every time I have a free period, recess period or lunch period. Because it reminds me of how hard I need to try to find company. Half the time everyone is with everyone else, except me. I wonder, and walk off, often deciding to spend the period alone. Alone. How sad.

Why does it always have to be me? Won’t anyone call me up and go "Benny do you wan to go for lunch with me/us later?"; "Benny, eh meet us at 2 later okay. We going out for lunch"; "Benny… do you have time now…? Sigh… Im really upset…"

It always turns out to be "Eh benny, xxx dun wan to come with me already lah... why don't you come with me?" "Eh please go with me leh... xxx played me out... now i got no one to go with.. so ask you lor..." Makes me sound like some second choice thing.

I know Ive "made a difference" in people's lives-quoting anyone who’s said it before. But I guess it’s more of a "decoration", rather than a difference. It’s like benny was once in my life and he's really really funny.' And nothing else. Nothing. Nothing else worth remembering, nothing like "Benny is my friend, a person worth trusting and nice to be with."

Do I continue laughing and smiling and acting stupid from day to day?

No one cares, really.

You know this feeling of FAILURE? That is it.

In the end, after all the rounds of happiness shared and times spent together, I bond people up, leaving myself behind, all alone, ready to bond the next group of people up.

Why?.........



"Tell me, and i'll walk away... i'll turn around and walk away and never be there again. i'll find ways to entertain myself. i'll try to maintain a smile... "