Saturday, October 30, 2004
Once again.

Oh damn i hate this feeling. i hate it so much. im turning back into the me 1 year ago. not to the bubbly, talkative me but the extremely sensitive and bastardy me. I am beginning to doubt people around me again, taking every single word and comment people say extremely seriously and start feeling inferior to the whole world, thinking that everything they say must have an ulterior meaning, everything they do must have an ulterior motive.I'm just so screwed.

The thing i need to know now is: Am i really not as good as others?

These 2 days alone alone made me realise im such a lousy person. These people didnt really SAY them out but they made me feel this way.

1) I've never had work experience (mother)
2) I'm NOT good at music cos i juz suck at it. (band)
3) I'm NOT good at piano, in fact, very lousy for what i am supposed to be with that cert(gerald tan)
4) I cant dance for nuts cos i'm fat. Really fat. (tiffany)
5) I'm not tactful when handling customers. (mother)
6) I'm not good at studies. not close to excellent. i think its closer to lousy. (yixiang,huifen,luther)
7) I'm lousy at sports. (a new friend called Wei jie)
8) I'm extremely overweight and is a cannot-be-saved case. (eric chua)
9) I look terrible when i try to dress up nicely. (mirror in the toilet)
10) I make a very lousy friend. (practically everyone)
11) I'm a selfish person. (sister)
12) I suck at debating and arguing. (yixiang)
13) Branded stuff look unbranded on me (mirror in the toilet)
14) I'm not that good at chinese afterall. (christopher,wenqi)
15) I'm not good at english. (joel)
16) I'm lousy at trumpet. (lianwei,lookit,wenrong)
17) I'm lousy at organ. (myself)
18) I look like shit in college uniform cos i'm fat. (mirror in school)
19) I sing terribly when i think i could sing relatively well all along. (everyone who sang in front of me and when i tried immitating, making myself sound so stupid)
20) I'm a lousy secret keeper and an all time big mouth. (???)
21) I'm good at almost nothing out of everything that i was quite good with. (from points 1 to 19)
I think the list will go on...

I shoulda long grown outta this at 17, as mentioned in my previous entry already. but the fact is that i've yet to do so. and am suffering from serious inferiority complex now. i need a lighter body, a better physique, a nicer voice, more brains, better feel of music to make me a more perfect person.

"Why do u keep bumping into things?!? Soooo clumsy!!!" can't remember who said this but it left a deep impression in my mind, a lil painful too...

"What?! 2.4 in 15 minutes? Impossible lah! Nonsense." can't rem who said this too. but it was painful as well.

"Frankly speaking, you are not fated with music." Somewhere in my memory, someone said this. it affected me. until now.

"You lah! must be you big mouth go and tell them all about it..." Umpteenth time ive heard this same thing. proves something eh?

Sigh. find a talent somewhere in me. That's what everyone will say. but in my 17 years of life it seems like ive failed in every aspect of life that ive been thru. From being a good friend to being a good student.

I'm gone. i need to recover from this complex before everyone starts getting irritated by me again. i think they probably will, anyway.