Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Secret me.

Must there be a secret me that i am forced to hide?

Sigh. indeed. secret me. who really understands the person i really am? who really unleashes the real me behind all that social etiquettes and image consciousness ? who can i sit down and cry on his/her shoulder when i feel like it? who can i talk to when i can no longer hold a thought for that very minute? who'll be there whenever i need someone? who'll be very very sad when i am no longer around? who'll even notice when i'm gone from the surrounding? does it matter to anyone if i'll be leaving singapore tomorrow? will anyone feel bad if they did something wrong to upset me?

I realised, i'm always the one feeling bad. I'm always the one who thinks that someone is unhappy with me. I'm always the one who have to take all that coldness when a friend is unhappy. I get shouted at when they are unhappy. I get the cold shoulder when they are unhappy. Who gets the cold shoulder when i'm unhappy? Don't i have the right to be unhappy at all? I get scolded by people when i'm unhappy and i start flaring. When i'm flaring, no one tries to understand me. Instead, they tell me how childish i am by being angry over certain things.

Why must i always be the one saying nice things to cool people down and cheer people up? Why can't someone do it to me?

Inferiority. No one wants to be born fat and ugly. Everyone wants to be good at everything, from studies to music to sports. I want to look good and feel good. But everyone's saying things, making it sound like everything can be easily achieved.

What's the use of being eloquent? You end up not looking good on stage.

Nobody knows me. Nobody cares. Nobody would want to care anyway...

I like the stage. I like speaking to a group of audience. I'm tired in the process but at least i get to forget myself, forget everything momentarily and concentrate on speaking to a group of audience. No one will understand the feeling of loss, that intense feeling of sadness when the show ends. Reminiscence of that audience and that process of forgetting who i really am and forgetting everything makes my eyes tear.

But to live, must i really be forced to remain on stage forever?...

Sigh.

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Suddenly felt full of emotions cos i heard "Love Me" again. Before i typed this entry, i wondered if everything, everyone around me was real. It's just so uncertain. Shoulda long grown out of these kinda thoughts at 17. but i just cant help it. sigh.