Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Differences. It is amazing, how a group of people being together can cause so much happiness and team spirit, fun and laughter, strength and unity, and most of all, identity. At the same time, it’s also amazing how doing so, could make an individual feel so out of place, and realize that he/she is different from the rest of the group in many ways; or rather, realize that he/she does not actually belong to that group at all.

At 18, you ought to know who are people you can keep for life, share secrets with, call up whenever you feel like it, go home together with, and hang out for dinner with and more. Basically, a person called your friend. I wont use the phrase "true friend" here cos it carries with it a touch of nonage in me. From primary school to secondary school, and now to JC, very very sadly, I have yet to find anyone like that, and I wonder why. Everytime I hear people around me talk about meeting their secondary school cliques for dinner, for shopping, for movie and stuff like that, there’s always this huge sense of jealousy. And I will start asking myself why do I always fail to foster such close friendships with anyone?

All my life, Ive been trying to establish myself as an outgoing person, one whos able to interact and speak effectively. And all my life, people laugh because of my jokes, my stupid actions, my laughter, my self-degradation. All my life, people feel comfortable with me, but never find my company a real need. All my life, people love to see me sing and dance and act dumb, but its all for leisure purposes. All my life, I put on a façade that everyone sees, but NONE of the people in my life bother to find out what’s behind it. All my life, Ive been trying to make the best of friends ever, but everyone else seems to have his own best of friends already.

Perhaps, all my life, people see me as an extremely insincere, only-know-how-to-talk-and-play, dunno-how-to-be-serious asshole, who is free of problems, and whos full time job is to make them laugh whenever needed. Perhaps, all my life, people found me extremely irritating and unbearable and stupid and gay.

And people like to say "Hey! We are/Im always here for you!" but every time they finish saying that, they turn away. And at that very moment that you need him/her, they’re always not there. But when I say it, I mean it. The only fault lies in that I do not give people the kind of trustworthy feeling. RIGHT?

I do not fascinate walking around the blank campus every time I have a free period, recess period or lunch period. Because it reminds me of how hard I need to try to find company. Half the time everyone is with everyone else, except me. I wonder, and walk off, often deciding to spend the period alone. Alone. How sad.

Why does it always have to be me? Won’t anyone call me up and go "Benny do you wan to go for lunch with me/us later?"; "Benny, eh meet us at 2 later okay. We going out for lunch"; "Benny… do you have time now…? Sigh… Im really upset…"

It always turns out to be "Eh benny, xxx dun wan to come with me already lah... why don't you come with me?" "Eh please go with me leh... xxx played me out... now i got no one to go with.. so ask you lor..." Makes me sound like some second choice thing.

I know Ive "made a difference" in people's lives-quoting anyone who’s said it before. But I guess it’s more of a "decoration", rather than a difference. It’s like benny was once in my life and he's really really funny.' And nothing else. Nothing. Nothing else worth remembering, nothing like "Benny is my friend, a person worth trusting and nice to be with."

Do I continue laughing and smiling and acting stupid from day to day?

No one cares, really.

You know this feeling of FAILURE? That is it.

In the end, after all the rounds of happiness shared and times spent together, I bond people up, leaving myself behind, all alone, ready to bond the next group of people up.

Why?.........



"Tell me, and i'll walk away... i'll turn around and walk away and never be there again. i'll find ways to entertain myself. i'll try to maintain a smile... "

Monday, May 23, 2005

Your Birthdate: August 12

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life. The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental. There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude. You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression. Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing. You are energetic and always a good conversationalist. You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters. Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about. You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive. You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

Sunday, May 22, 2005

Sigh. im currently feeling worse off than ever.

why do we only learn to treasure things whenver we're about to lose it?

"i want a time turner."-quotes justin.


So do i....

Thursday, May 19, 2005

It's been another huge gap, since i last typed an entry here after SYF. life these 2 weeks has been really really hectic, trying to catch up with the piles of tutorials that accumulated over the band practice days then. apparently, to no avail.

been feeling lots of ups and downs after the huge emotional peak at the SYF results ceremony. mudane as life is, these 2 weeks have been filled with my last duties in the Band Executive Committee, mainly selecting the new leaders of the band and handing down. Also, paying for the much anticipated(hopefully) prom night at the end of the year, paying for A level exam fees etc etc.

Ever seen a friend who's in great disappointment/misery/pain/heartache/sadness, but you could do nothing to help? I believe it's a scenario quite widely experienced by many of us. It's ironic isn't it, how this whole friend thing works. It's like, he/she's feeling really upset, probably crying. and being a friend,or so, the first thing you'd do is go "Hey.. don't cry lah... hmm.. dun be so upset.." and she continues crying, even harder. Really, what roles should a friend play in your life? Is a friend someone who should wait for you after school everyday and hang out with you, study with you and stuff?

sigh. im running out of things to say. i've really lost my ability to think deeply into an issue and comment on it with a considerable level(though not excellent) of language. too much science i guess.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Read many's blogs and realised that many of them mentioned bout ending band life and stuff, so i thought i'd put in what i think here as well.

Primary 3 then, i was filling up my CCA participation form. And i chose band, without knowing exactly wad was it. And there, i'm stuck to band for the next 8 years or so of my life. This year would've been my 10th year playing in the band. And it's all gonna end for now, for 2 years odd, at least.

It all seemed like yesterday, when i first attended MJCSB's tune in, and saw ms sia and played Rhapsody for Hanukkah for my audition to play for Meridian Revelry; when i first read Emma's sms that went "hey! there's band practice tomorrow for concert, please attend! 9am. cya!"; when i first met dawn and rickson and justin; when i first put on my MJCSB Band Tee; when i first met siok wei after 1st 3 months, when i first formed AGA; when i sat down with the Exco for the 1st ever meeting.

It all seemed like yesterday, when the exco organised Tune In 2004; when Juxtapose! was organised, when the bunch of the craziest year 1s came into the band in their colourful uniforms; when magical people like huikoon, sarah, kin lok, zheng yi, yosua, xuanwei, kenny etc etc etc breathed a new kind of vibrance and colour into the band; when Band Camp Version 1 was in planning; when the exco stayed up all night to fill water bombs, when Dial M for Murder was in execution; when we all were reluctant to break camp.

It all seemed like yesterday when the band felt like a sour place to go cos of SYF tension; when we had daily band practices and school work lagged behind; when i had to run between band room and council room like a mad man for blazers; when we reached VCH in our smart outfits; when we were in the tuning room; when we were outside the concert hall wishing nyjc luck; when we were on stage playing our very very best; when the emcee went "Band No. 4, Meridian Junior College, GOLD!"; when i hugged the crying huikoon; when we did MJ cheers over and over again; when we re-enacted the SYF results scene over and over again...

It all seemed like yesterday...
ONE YEAR. swept past me like the sand of time flowing out of a broken hourglass. Why do i have to go through this bittersweet longing to go back in time everytime i end my term as a band member in the 3 bands ive been in? MJCSB brought me happiness, life, soul, benny. I hate this. i always learn to appreciate things only when im already leaving. I love the band, more than anything else in MJC. I love the Exco, the trumpet section, AGA, and the Year 1s. I love Invictus, focus, persistence, teamwork, success. I love Ms Sia, the piano, my Bach trumpet, the instrument store, every single parquet strip of the band room. I love that whiteboard we always draw on, the mallet percussion instruments. I love the lost and found cupboard, the little corner beneath it where we always plug our mp3 players into the sound system.

But it's all gone now. I'll never get back those times. Tomorrow, i'll attend my last band practice in MJCSB, my last day as Welfare Officer.

It all seemed like yesterday...

Why?

Sigh.

Thursday, May 05, 2005

When the last chord of INVICTUS rang in Singapore Conference Hall today, a strong sense of nostalgia swept over me. 6 bars before that ending note, i was praying hard that the piece would never end.......

Sigh. and so, this marks the end of another chapter in my life. 1.5 years in a JC band. in MJC Band. all that hard work, sweat, unhappiness, quarrels, mistakes, everyday practices ended up with a GOLD MEDAL. On that note, i would like to say to all my MJCSB members that you all did such a GRREEEEAAAAAT job today!!! WE BLEW THE JUDGES AND OTHER COLLEGES AWAY...!

Thanks to all my dearest Trumpeters, the beloved EXCO, all the crazy year 1s, and many many many more people. Today made my life complete.
To Justin, Cherri, Rickson, Junwen, Jun Yang, Wenqi, Cheryl, Siok Wei, Dawn, we have made magic in each others' lives. Keep in touch yah? Band brought us together. and Let's remain together. =D
To Huikoon, Sarah, Kenny, Kin Lok, Xuan Wei, Zheng Yi, Yosua n others, great job.
To Vinz, Weejuay, Joel, BaoLun, Fuquan, Eugene, Justin, i had so much fun workin with u pple, and bringing the band to this distance. thanks for everything. dinner some time?

Much as i do not want it to end, my band life comes to a stop now. It was so beautiful. I'm beyond words. refer to joel's blog for the exact description of my feelings.... www.dailybacktrack.blogspot.com

-"Band number 4.......Meridian Junior College...............GOLD!"-
-"WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!²²³³²²³"-

Let this night remain forever and ever....

P.s. i'll increase my blogging frequency. now that SYF's over. haha!