Friday, February 18, 2005

okay! here i am again after 1 month of absense from blogspot. decided to update if not it'll be unfair to say no one reads my blog cos for a start i din even update it. haha. anyway, a big thanks to everyone who had dropped by to tag on my board. tiffany, jiayan, clara jiez, wendy meiz, wee kiat, jocelyn and everyone else. haha im okay already i guess. it was just that night when my inferiority complex problem aggravated. yeah...

had kind of a good talk with someone i dun usually talk to a coupla days ago. and we talked about things that people dun usually open up to others like how you really feel about a certain matter, about yourself, about things that you do, about everyday life, about how confident you are. i realised that it's actually a very satisfying, relieving to find someone who are on a common train of thought and view on these things that are embedded considerably deeply somewhere in you. it's like you can just open up and talk to him about everything you've kept for so long. somehow i also realised that sometimes your closest friend, or an equivalent you deem as a close friend, might not be the person you can relate everything to. there'll be certain things he cannot understand because he doesn't go thru that similar process... oh well. sigh.

just came back from opening ceremony rehearsal! the MJC-standard-pathetic-primary school-like HALL is finally air conditioned. the college's gearing up for the coming opening ceremony and yup of course the band is involved, considering it to be one of the niche CCAs. and of course, our focus on SYF training is diverted, and we lose concentration and we cant focus well. not like i care about opening ceremony yah. SYF's definitely more important and quantitative in terms of the earning reputation for the college. kinda worried. after today, it's 74 days exactly if we exclude the day of the competition itself. minus the approximate 4 practices, 14 days we'll miss due to block test we're only left with about 50 odd to 60 days before SYF. a short 2 months. to achieve a Gold medal, we need to fulfil about 16 criteria and do well for every single one. sigh. how exactly? it's the greatest want ever since i came to MJ. before the A levels, and SYF Gold is my greatest goal.

I'm glad i have a very good percussion section leader who's leading the section on gym workouts every week to strengthen their left hands to prevent uneven strokes.

college life sux i guess. gotta put on a sickening facade everyday.

peace out~

Tuesday, February 01, 2005
|[.D|hYdRoXyAcEtOnE.]|

inferiority. [a condition or state of being or having a sense of being inferior or inadequate especially with respect to one's apparent equals or to the world at large]

perfect definition for a person feeling like benny right now. almost everything that happened today (and yesterday) made him feel really lousy. discouraged. demoralised. it's really a wonder how little things that happen in your life prove your capabilities as a 17 year old, going on 18. really. also a wonder how these things like inferiority complex still bug an adult in the making. or rather an adult freshly made or is it?

i just took a walk round cyberspace and dropped by many people's blogs. hmmm let's take a look. rickson's-poem. joel's-blogworthy stuff that probably only intellects of his calibre can understand. benjamin's-what he has learnt from day to day. sarah's-beautiful style of writing. jiazhao's-perfect english. tiffany's-poems and lyrics. poems and lyrics. their tag boards are tagged. my blog is just losing it's life, like almost dead kinda thing.

no matter how hard i try, i never seem excel in anything i do. like writing in english. i can't write much better than a primary 6 kid. my command of language is long outdated for my age, for a person doin somethin called general paper. i've never been able to write a decent poem in english. tried writin some in chinese but they jus turn out like nonsense... like how i try pieceing up words just for them to rhyme and not that kinda "came very quickly" free-flow form of writing. i was never able to come up with any blogworthy stuff. with all that certificates and qualifications in music theory, ive never been able to compose anything touching nor decent nor beautiful. with a gold star qualification in swimming, i cant even swim faster than a young boy who happens to be my neighbour. with an A2 in o levels higher chinese, i could still read chinese literary works and not understand anything. all that i thought i was good at, reality proved me hard and fast that i was WRONG. WRONG WRONG WRONG. you noe somethin. life jus came up to me and said "you're ignorant. downright ignorant and you know nothing at all."

for once i thought i was good on stage, and made a good emcee for both formal and informal events. but i guess i'm just not good. at all perhaps. my friends will just tell me how i should have done things on stage after the entire function, and do a comparison between me and my co-hosts and go "eh frankly speaking...she's better than u leh...you ah.. failure ah. experience so much liao but cannot host better.. hahaha."

HA-ha-ha. i'll juz go funny haha back and haha the whole day. who knows when my heart's aching and when disappointment seems to fill every cell of my body? inside me, i feel lousier than anyone there. i'll start by telling myself that pple out there just dunno how tough it is. but then again, if you're good, pple say you're good. if you're not, wads the use of blaming it on the fact that pple dunno how tough things are when it's on stage ?

even as im bloggin now i feel lousy. my language is just so kiddo.

really. the system stresses that we find our talents somewhere within us. but when am i gonna find mine?

everywhere i go, i feel like an extra piece of flesh, unneeded. unwanted. useless.

just what exactly is it?

sigh.