Saturday, October 30, 2004
Once again.

Oh damn i hate this feeling. i hate it so much. im turning back into the me 1 year ago. not to the bubbly, talkative me but the extremely sensitive and bastardy me. I am beginning to doubt people around me again, taking every single word and comment people say extremely seriously and start feeling inferior to the whole world, thinking that everything they say must have an ulterior meaning, everything they do must have an ulterior motive.I'm just so screwed.

The thing i need to know now is: Am i really not as good as others?

These 2 days alone alone made me realise im such a lousy person. These people didnt really SAY them out but they made me feel this way.

1) I've never had work experience (mother)
2) I'm NOT good at music cos i juz suck at it. (band)
3) I'm NOT good at piano, in fact, very lousy for what i am supposed to be with that cert(gerald tan)
4) I cant dance for nuts cos i'm fat. Really fat. (tiffany)
5) I'm not tactful when handling customers. (mother)
6) I'm not good at studies. not close to excellent. i think its closer to lousy. (yixiang,huifen,luther)
7) I'm lousy at sports. (a new friend called Wei jie)
8) I'm extremely overweight and is a cannot-be-saved case. (eric chua)
9) I look terrible when i try to dress up nicely. (mirror in the toilet)
10) I make a very lousy friend. (practically everyone)
11) I'm a selfish person. (sister)
12) I suck at debating and arguing. (yixiang)
13) Branded stuff look unbranded on me (mirror in the toilet)
14) I'm not that good at chinese afterall. (christopher,wenqi)
15) I'm not good at english. (joel)
16) I'm lousy at trumpet. (lianwei,lookit,wenrong)
17) I'm lousy at organ. (myself)
18) I look like shit in college uniform cos i'm fat. (mirror in school)
19) I sing terribly when i think i could sing relatively well all along. (everyone who sang in front of me and when i tried immitating, making myself sound so stupid)
20) I'm a lousy secret keeper and an all time big mouth. (???)
21) I'm good at almost nothing out of everything that i was quite good with. (from points 1 to 19)
I think the list will go on...

I shoulda long grown outta this at 17, as mentioned in my previous entry already. but the fact is that i've yet to do so. and am suffering from serious inferiority complex now. i need a lighter body, a better physique, a nicer voice, more brains, better feel of music to make me a more perfect person.

"Why do u keep bumping into things?!? Soooo clumsy!!!" can't remember who said this but it left a deep impression in my mind, a lil painful too...

"What?! 2.4 in 15 minutes? Impossible lah! Nonsense." can't rem who said this too. but it was painful as well.

"Frankly speaking, you are not fated with music." Somewhere in my memory, someone said this. it affected me. until now.

"You lah! must be you big mouth go and tell them all about it..." Umpteenth time ive heard this same thing. proves something eh?

Sigh. find a talent somewhere in me. That's what everyone will say. but in my 17 years of life it seems like ive failed in every aspect of life that ive been thru. From being a good friend to being a good student.

I'm gone. i need to recover from this complex before everyone starts getting irritated by me again. i think they probably will, anyway.

Wednesday, October 27, 2004
Secret me.

Must there be a secret me that i am forced to hide?

Sigh. indeed. secret me. who really understands the person i really am? who really unleashes the real me behind all that social etiquettes and image consciousness ? who can i sit down and cry on his/her shoulder when i feel like it? who can i talk to when i can no longer hold a thought for that very minute? who'll be there whenever i need someone? who'll be very very sad when i am no longer around? who'll even notice when i'm gone from the surrounding? does it matter to anyone if i'll be leaving singapore tomorrow? will anyone feel bad if they did something wrong to upset me?

I realised, i'm always the one feeling bad. I'm always the one who thinks that someone is unhappy with me. I'm always the one who have to take all that coldness when a friend is unhappy. I get shouted at when they are unhappy. I get the cold shoulder when they are unhappy. Who gets the cold shoulder when i'm unhappy? Don't i have the right to be unhappy at all? I get scolded by people when i'm unhappy and i start flaring. When i'm flaring, no one tries to understand me. Instead, they tell me how childish i am by being angry over certain things.

Why must i always be the one saying nice things to cool people down and cheer people up? Why can't someone do it to me?

Inferiority. No one wants to be born fat and ugly. Everyone wants to be good at everything, from studies to music to sports. I want to look good and feel good. But everyone's saying things, making it sound like everything can be easily achieved.

What's the use of being eloquent? You end up not looking good on stage.

Nobody knows me. Nobody cares. Nobody would want to care anyway...

I like the stage. I like speaking to a group of audience. I'm tired in the process but at least i get to forget myself, forget everything momentarily and concentrate on speaking to a group of audience. No one will understand the feeling of loss, that intense feeling of sadness when the show ends. Reminiscence of that audience and that process of forgetting who i really am and forgetting everything makes my eyes tear.

But to live, must i really be forced to remain on stage forever?...

Sigh.

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Suddenly felt full of emotions cos i heard "Love Me" again. Before i typed this entry, i wondered if everything, everyone around me was real. It's just so uncertain. Shoulda long grown out of these kinda thoughts at 17. but i just cant help it. sigh.

Friday, October 22, 2004
The world is unfair.

The promos period is seemingly over but seriously to many, it isnt.

"The war cries are over. Now all you hear is music. Music of the dead..."

True isn't it? What the promotional exams left us with was a whole lot of students who didnt meet the promotional criteria, who face the fate of being expelled or retained (for that matter retaining is a luxury). These students are not just students, nor just staff members who can be fired by Chairman Lai, but our friends, our fellow band members, schoolmates, classmates who once shared fun and laughter, sadness and tears together with us, who once stood by us when we were feeling the JC blues, who were always there when we needed them.

"We only learn to treasure people around us when we are about to lose them..."

Indeed. In a matter of weeks we'll no longer see many familiar but really nice faces around in the college campus anymore. In a matter of weeks someone who always sat beside you for lectures and tutorials automatically would suddenly disappear and that seat by your side would feel so empty. In a matter of weeks you might no longer see the people you used to hang around with during recess or lunch or free periods anymore. In a matter of weeks i'll be losing some of my closest band mates. In a matter of weeks MJC band will be shrunk to a pathetic number. All these, the result of tough papers and strict marking with probably minimal moderation.

For months and weeks I saw my fellow Meridians mugging their lives away, slogging their guts out just for the monstrous promotional examinations. They booked tutors for consultations way before the consultation slot; they attempted ten year series questions right after completing tutorials; they stayed back in college everyday till 9 odd 10 to study; they cleared every single doubt they had regarding the subject content; they learnt a lesson from the mid year exams... But were not given a chance to promote, not even a decent result that they deserved. Some cried. Some woke up finally and realised that they've wasted 1 year in a place that they shouldnt be in. Some resigned to their fate cos they've got to report for national service next year. Some just ended up in a terrifying daze.

The people who couldnt make it aint the only people who are miserable.

But then again, there are people who did not deserve to promote but want so much to promote. These people are a buncha shitified assholes who are not worth feeling sad for. They failed promos marginally, and blamed everything from the college to the tutors for not giving them that extra mark so they could pass. They blame their CTs for not putting in a good word for them to the promotional board. They blame tutors for being biased. They blame tutors for marking strictly. Everything they blame, except themselves who did not in the first place, go the distance to try to achieve what they want. Shameless.

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Have they known how much close friendship they'll be taking away from us? How much life they'll be taking away from us? How many important things that colour our lives they'll be taking away from us?

I doubt they do. and will never, i guess.

Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Yeah.

Promoted.

i got a confirmed AO for chemistry. not really well done, but yeah. made the mark.

sigh. no mood now...

check back.

*i hope tiffany's alright from all that fever...

Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Alas! It's over...

4 whole gruesome, mind boggling, high information density, worrying, terribly terrifying weeks have finally come to an end with the release of the promotional exam results. It didnt come as a great shock to me cos these results were more or less expected, though deviated quite alot from my goals. But nevertheless, i think, hopefully nothing goes wrong, i should be able to promote to year 2.

These are my results:

Biology: C
Economics: C
Maths: AO
Chemistry: AO (not confirmed)

yeah. juz wanna thank all those who were beside me all these while.

sigh. let all promote please. life's really never the same without pple...

i've seen how cruel reality is. dun wanna see it anymore.

Sunday, October 17, 2004
Sigh. Fate. Leave it to the winds...

What will become of me tomorrow?

When the results are out,

will i still be me?

Sigh....

Worried.

But what's the point?

But i still can't stop worrying.

Help.

That's what i need... SigH.

Sunday, October 10, 2004
Everlasting Memories...

"If you get there before I do... Don't give up on me... I'll meet you when my chores are through... I dunnoe how long i'll be... but i'm not gonna let u down... darling wait and see... and between now and then, till i see you again, i'll be loving u... love me....." -Love Me by Colin Raye

I've not listened to this song for like so long... since 1st 3 months. Suddenly i heard it again cos i left my playlist running. and this weird feeling of memories rushing into my consciousness came up. i felt, for the first time in many many months, that i miss many things. i've forgotten about them cos of everything i'm supposed to handle, because of responsibilities, because of the obsession with duties.

I miss kha and fei during 1st 3 months, where we went out of sch in our sec sch uniforms,i miss eugene seah, i miss that PCCG period where we were supposed to sing in class, i miss that really cool and funky PAE 04S204, that very unstressed ms soh, the Cartoons, the Talentime@MJC, the entire december holidays 2003 after o levels, the day of my last o level paper where my frenz and i went out for fun, meridian revelry, POP in CCHSM Band 2003, that very very old band room, the QM room, the LT2, the chung cheng lake, the 4DL, the crapping with tiffany and erly back then, the everyday phone calls, the classroom blocks, the canteen, the auditorium, the long stretch of road from bus stop to cchs, parkway parade, singpost, the times my fellow exco back in cchs went for lunch together, studied together, met in the concourse every morning, times where we went for DDR, times that we had exco meetings, times where we just hung around at orchard or bugis, times during the band camps, times during when we interviewed potential exco members, my juniors who were often punished by me, wendy, clara, ck, yihui, shu en, lookit, my council tie, my pink booking forms, mr soon our DM in cchs, and the list goes on and on and on...

I've realised how much my life was affected ever since i embarked onto my JC life. I've realised how much i've almost forgotten. I've realised how cruel reality can be. I've realised words do not mean alot. I've realised that distance doesnt matter at all. I've realised how true people are. I've realised that I've realised alot more in my life.

"What can be more painful?
Than a person you trusted so much
began ignoring you?"-Anonymous

Sigh. Must i live this life? Why did i choose the route of a JC student? Would anything have been better?

Yes. useless to mourn over this now.

years of life thrown into pure emptiness.

Thursday, October 07, 2004
Fun.

Hey all! after 2 super depressing, mind boggling, high information density weeks, i'm back after the promotional exams! yup. after econs paper today i went to PASTAMANIA with kha and fei... and met xiufeng who's working there! haha. hey girl! thanks for the encouragements. den met junjie, luther and tiffany + gang. haha super cool eh, go to town in the evening. Do what? Hang around and do sth stupid.

Well... i dunnoe if i should really rejoice that promos are over cos i seriously do not think that i'll do well. or not even close to well. might not even promote! goodness. sigh. dunnoe. but its like next week college's filled with post-promo activities, wonder if i will even be interested in playing. i'm so darned worried about my results now. its like..the more i think about it, the more i feel that i'd even fail Biology, which happens to be my strongest subject. its like i didn't really finish the paper. come to think of it, i didnt really finish any paper, except for econs. sigh... wonder wad i'll do if i cant promote. i dunnoe. but wads the use of feeling depressed now? wads the point? yah. that's the question i'll ask myself, but continue to feel depressed about everything.

thanks kha, thanks fei! had a wonderful day out with u gals. i'll look forward to more of those. if we get to know that all 3 of us promotes, let's go for another outing k? this time with xiao she zi. =D

i realised that you do not need everyone to be by your side to make u happy. you just need one friend, who truely cares for you. who truely wants to be around to tide you thru ur hardest times. i also realised that a very simple sms from someone whom you haven't seen for half a year can brighten your day up alot. here, thanks to Eugene Seah, my buddy for 1st 3 months in MJC. i miss his presence, his jokes, his nice personality. he's one of the few nicest pple i've ever met. good luck eugene! for ur coming exams.

Sigh. i wonder what i've done to my life. i wonder what the environment has done to me. i feel so empty. so pointless to live. so meaningless cos everything i do, i have a certain MOTIVE. i hate it. i hate to do things with a motive cos i want MEANING in what i do, not MOTIVE. i dunnoe... i can act really bimbotic at times, act super stupid in front of pple, try to keep up the image of an enthusiastic individual, but results in zero satisfaction. I feel as though im living for an image, for an impression to be made. Sigh.

Tiff, have i changed from the benny you used to know?

WOO HOO !!!!

yay! econs paper over ! muahaha... that's the end of my promotional exams... econs paper was relatively doable... just hope that i can get A level passes for everything... and an AO pass for maths.

Coming up: Endless fun and laughter until i promote. promote.

what a big word. sounds so far away. sigh... i hope i dun get pulled all the way down just by chemistry. oh please... anyone.. help. i promise to study really really hard.

Wednesday, October 06, 2004
muahahaha....sigh!

sigh... chem and maths today. was pure DISASTER... oh god that's it. i think i wont be able to even promote... sigh...

Coming up: Economics Paper 1 & 2

wish me luck and hope for the best...

Tuesday, October 05, 2004
WoooT!

Econs paper 3 is over! yup quite ok lah cos i chose Market Failures and Market Structures to do... hope i can like at least 23-25 upon 50 !

yeah. i'll go mug now and chiong all the way for chem and maths tomorrow... yeah.

Coming up: Chemistry & Mathematics

Monday, October 04, 2004
Bio!

yeah bio over today. paper was okay except that i had no time to finish my essay and biostats question!! damn it. damnation. i think there goes my A man... sigh! hope for the best tomorrow.

Coming up: Economics Paper 3

Saturday, October 02, 2004
One more step to the end of promos.

yay! my General Paper exam is finally over! First hurdle crossed. 5 more to go. that's Bio on monday, Econs paper 3 on tuesday, Chem and Maths on wednesday and Econs paper 1&2 on thursday. and thats the end of my promotional examination series!

well.

"Traditional values are of little merit today." Discuss.

This was the question i chose to do for my GP paper 1 today. guess it wasnt that bad cos i managed to guess wad "of little merit" means and structured a relatively well balanced argument. (hopefully) and seriously pray hard that there ain't many flaws or logic breakdown in my essay cos i really didnt have time to check. and pray really really hard that i didnt make any grammatical errors.

But the comprehension passage was DISASTER. cant believe it was so difficult. about Information Society. great. damn. i understood nothing except the paragraph on new and old media. sigh. there goes lah. i'd better start thinking of what combi im gonna take next year. im gonna fail GP probably cos of comprehension.

Oh well oh well.... im gonna go take a short nap and continue mugging. juz hope that i can pass my subs with 4 A level passes and den advance to year 2. haha. cheerios. peace out!