i want to be a JC teacher.

2009-11-06T01:05:00.003+08:00

*cough cough cough*

woah, dust.

ok trying to revive this blogspace, so i can like, write stuff about my upcoming

CHINA IMMERSION PROGRAMME (6th December 2009 - 26th December 2009)

Taiwan Extension (26th December 2009 - 1st January 2010)

Exchange Programme to HKU (6th January 2010 - 22nd May 2010)

Yay!

2008-09-06T23:52:00.003+08:00

"are you with them?"

"erm no.."

"ok bye."

-hangs up-

I would really appreciate it if people could like, acquire better telephone etiquette. It's VERY annoying to dash into my room halfway through cooking, just so I could pick up my ringing phone. And then to get someone who doesnt even bother to say HELLO, asks 1 damn question and hangs up without explaining.

DAMMIT.

少年杨家将

2008-06-12T21:34:00.005+08:00

I just finished watching, on DVD, this series: The Young Warriors of the Yang Clan, or 少年杨家将 in chinese. The above image is the promotional poster for the drama series. This series was filmed in 2006 by the china media, starring people like the famous Hong Kong actress Amy Chan (陈秀雯) as Mother of the family, Hu Ge (胡歌) as the Sixth son, Peter Ho (何润东) as the Fourth son, Eddie Peng (彭于宴) as the Seventh son, and many other pretty girls as their wives.
The story of the Yang Family in ancient chinese history about their chivalry and courage during war times has been covered time and again in different drama series made by several countries. I have watched a few of them, and I happen to find this one extremely touching, and excellently made.

First off, the CAST was definitely well chosen. A cast FULL of dynamic, young people (all VERY handsome and VERY pretty actors and actresses) to show the younger days of the Yang family (Father Yang Ye, Mother She Sai Hua, 7 sons and a daughter). Someone like Joel will definitely be very interested to watch, given such a high standard of physical appeal. Although I know the mere chinese language part is enough to turn him off.

Anyway, yes the cast kept my mother (and I) glued to my new Samsung 4 Series 40" LCD TV till the wee hours of the night. Pretty girls married to cute guys! What more do u need? A Good Storyline. Yes, the storyline progressed from being very cheerful and light hearted, to heavy and sad as the country goes to war towards the end of the series. War scenes, and the Yang sons dying on the battlefield really brought tears to my eyes. This is coupled with an excellent soundtrack and choice of songs.

My favourite amongst the songs is 诀别诗(Farewell poem, translated literally) by胡彦斌. It's touching, beautiful melody, great lyrics. Sad song. If anyone wants it, get it from me!

One of the most unforgettable scenes in the entire series, was when the fifth son and sixth son (五郎, 六郎) came back from war bringing the bodies of 大,二,三and七郎, and the whole town was mourning. Shortly after, the wake scene was also tear jerking, as the mother went around putting on new military uniforms for her dead sons, and cleaning them for the funeral. Then the youngest sister, 八妹came crying and shaking his 7th brother's body, as she was closest to him.

It's really difficult to describe how well the show went. In any case, if anyone is interested, it's airing on Channel 8 now, every Sunday, at 1o.30pm.

Have fun! And do not hesitate to discuss it with me, cos i'm absolutely in love with it. Kudos to the production team. This depiction of a heroic chinese family in history is really well done.

update!

2008-05-22T11:12:00.002+08:00

An update! Although really, no one reads this blog anymore. It'll make its comeback, hopefully. Meanwhile, it can remain sort of an obscure corner in the internet for me to talk to myself.

Work has started in Casuarina Primary School, and my appointment as a Teacher-Aide isn't really as fun as it seems to be. And with JOEL stressing the point that I am "not even a teacher", didn't really help. It's annoying really. I don't go into class and teach per se, but at least I'm handling the lab lessons and all. And yes, I remain employed throughout the holidays.

These 2 months, post ORD, hasn't been exactly enjoyable. I've not been in the best of my health, probably due to sudden changes in lifestyle habits. Alot of stress going on, from all the medical checkups and scans. I'm seeing the doctor next month, so hopefully I'm okay. I finally saw the need to really live healthily, and that accumulation of bad lifestyle habits can really cost me many things in a matter of 15 to 20 years from now. I don't want anything untoward to happen to myself, nor my current and future family, so it's best that I change NOW.

I'm just hoping that I'll feel alot better and happier before school starts, so I can bring myself up, and be ready for school, for the challenge of doing well in university. I'll really do anything to bring back my thirst for knowledge I had 2 years back. I need the drive!

till again.

new year resolutions.

2008-02-05T23:49:00.000+08:00

It's eve of Chinese New Year Eve, and we're ONE day away from CNY. Time really flies! The past year had been very eventful for me, learnt alot, and there were some changes in the way i look at my life.

Of course, it's late January already, and it's nearing chinese new year. So it's time for new year resolutions! I will want to achieve the following in this year:

1) Work through with a positive mindset till ORD. Cut all the ORD mood crap. Teach my understudy, Faidhi properly, and ensure a smooth handover.
2) Pack up my laziness and retardation mood after ORD, get to work, and prepare myself for studies in August.
3) Sign up for scholarship.
4) Lose weight and control my blood pressure!
5) Curb my hot headedness, and be much nicer to all my friends.
6) Keep in touch with the NS gang in SAF Bands!
7) Support every Band B COG (Main), as far as I can.
8) Help all my students do better in their studies.
9) Observe filial piety.
10) Save more money.

Happy New Year to all! And I'm looking forward to hosting the gathering on 15th of Feb.

the ocs commissioning parade.

2007-12-15T22:46:00.000+08:00

It's December again! I was the Post-parade Dinner Bugler for tonight's Officer Cadets' Commissioning Parade, and this is my 2nd time doing this. It was a great experience all in all, looking at how the post parade reception came about.

There was alot of saluting involved though, with me in my full No. 1 uniform and headdress, and all the Officers, both senior and junior pacing around the dining hall, mess and the garden, my right hand was never at rest. Some of the newly commissioned officers were taken aback when we saluted them, and was either busy looking for my rank on my uniform, or just did not put down his hand when he returned the salute. (When you salute an officer, you do not put down ur hand until he does.) Which means, I had to hold mine up until he realised that, yes, he is THE officer now. Ok whatever. Interesting, seeing foreign military dignitaries gracing the occassion. I guess the SAF must really have loads of diplomatic ties around.

I heard the Band got a standing ovation from the Speaker of Parliament (Who was the Reviewing Officer for the parade) and subsequently from the rest of the audience. Damn, I missed it cos I was detailed as the Bugler for the night. This feeling of being appreciated for being on parade is amazing. When the Band marches towards the reviewing officer and the grandstand playing BANDSTAND (our unit march) , the applause and all the attention is what fuels us.

Missed it though. I din even get it for SAF Day. And they got it today.

Really, would do anything to be on parade for that.

33rd NCO Camp@Nee Soon White House

2007-11-14T22:07:00.001+08:00

It's Wednesday! Wednesdays are significant. It marks the mid point of the week, and once you're past a wednesday noon, it means you're nearing the end of each working week.

So here I am, spending a Wednesday evening at my computer at home, waiting for my No. 3 uniform to dry in the drying machine. And I dont think i'll be making my way back to camp tonight.

So I heard, tomorrow the 33rd NCO Camp kids are coming up to the White House for an SAF Bands tour. I was appointed as one of the 10 tour guides to bring each group of Band/Drum Majors around the White House, explaining to them what facilities this majestic dome boasts. Some kinda act to attract potential full time musicians with the SAF? Never too young to start. Ha. And yes, that is why I'm home to wash my uniforms cos they both stink already and I can't bring kids around in a stinking uniform.

"Welcome to the SAF Bands White House. Our Vision is to join ranks of the world's finest armed forces bands."

I'm kinda excited about being OGL tomorrow. The tour is just a small part of this entire familiarisation programme. But somehow, I found it really interesting to finally educate a group of people, about who the SAF Bands really are. That we don't actually sit around and sing and dance all day; that we actually MARCH AND PLAY, and do parades on parade squares under the hot sun; that we wear UNIFORMS and NOT COSTUMES. Fuquan and I actually spent some time last night reading up manuals and doing up our handheld little notes for reference when we bring these kids around. Kids ask weird questions. And we cannot afford to start stammering with our uniform on.

It is amazing, how much pride I take in being a Military Musician. No, nothing near sucking up. But really for a PES C soldier like me, being a Musician appears to be more meaningful than, say, being vocationalised as an Admin Support Assistant. No offence, it so happens that my vocation allows me to do something I really enjoy. And it is undoubtedly a vocation that allows you to see alot, because Musicians travel from camp to camp all the time.

Nuff said! I'm not even near ORD. Shall not get all lyrical and snap into this "I'm going to miss NS mood."

Tomorrow, Sunil, Weekiat, Andy, Joel and Frankie are dekitting already. And they'll be gone in two weeks. Gosh. It's another group of my friends leaving.

I told Encik Ong "Sir, Sunil is also leaving in 2 weeks."

Encik Ong replied: "Really? 2 weeks? So fast ? Oh my goodness..."

Accompanied with a headshake that essentially means "Ah, my tuba section's shrinking and i dont know what to do..."

Till again!

November!

2007-11-10T19:46:00.000+08:00

I'm back again! With 3 months worth of events ready to be summarised into 1 post. Although really, I think I'll prolly just go on about really recent events.

It's been another cycle of emotional ups and downs during the past 3 months... With the new musicians being posted in without my ABSM attached to Central Band for an international tattoo at Kualar Lumpur, I was tasked with the responsibility to take these new musicians in hand for a few weeks. I had to be their babysitter, disciplinarian all at once; making sure they knew the rules, that they had room for accomodation etc. That stressed me out quite a bit, especially since my superior left me with expectations.

Consequently, I was away from everyone even more frequently, hiding in the office, almost getting married with work. Stress, and the lack of company just got the better of me, and I kinda like lapsed into another few weeks of unhappiness. Guess I sounded and looked really stupid. But thankfully for me, Hong Kong came!

Yes, on the last week of September, I left for a 5 days HongKong trip with some NS mates, Zhenhua, Zhongwei, Yiming, Kevin, Timothy and Derrick. If I actually remember to do so, I should do an entire post on it. It was great. It was, really the best getaway for me from the loads of files, documents and responsibilities back in camp.

October was generally uneventful. But I'm feeling alot better now, with more smiles and fun in life, less tension, less obsession with work. I see positive growth in my friendships.

November comes. And Zhenhua along with Junyang and many of my other friends in other units have ORDed. They've become so much a part of my NS life, now that they're gone, everyday seemed a little less meaningful than it was. It was fine initially, seeing everyone go. But as it gradually happened, these last few months of service for me began to slow down. And it will only get worse, I suppose, with Joel, Weekiat and Sunil leaving. And then Miah, Zhongwei and Yiming will leave.

Till then.

Updates

2007-07-09T00:04:00.001+08:00

It's REALLY been a very long time since I last typed an entry. Of course, many things have happened, and life's been having too many ups and downs for me to sit down and actually still have energy to generate anything blogworthy. Not that my entries ever contained anything blogworthy, but I've been in a state where I can't even generate random whinings.

So, June's been amazing, with the load of scheduled SAF Day Rehearsals and OCS Commissioning Parade, and of course our intake of new blood into Band B. Nothing interesting I guess, except that we celebrated Dean's and Fuquan's 20th birthday. I've now officially taken over as the Administrative NCO or the BSM's PA of Band B... and it's been pretty much exciting, although the routine administrative work is considerably taxing.

1st July was SAF Day. My first and last SAF Day Parade. By the next, i'd haf ORDed. All was well, the trooping of the colours segment was really the highlight of the parade, and i thought the provosts executed drills with a great deal of precision. Also of course, the Band's slow march accompaniment to the trooping was wonderfully delivered too. I had my share of working with the cornet section of band c, and it was really an enjoyable time. Really grateful for them. =)

And we're on to July. I see a couple of weeks of rest from parades. Not complaining though. It'd be a good time to catch up on some music playing without strict time, some skill brushing, some catching up of the good old times with my fellow stay-ins. It would also be a good time for me to settle at my desk and finish up loose ends of my work in the office, to start anew and to correct everything i've not been doing well enough, and to await the new batch of guys comin in.

It's also a month full of important birthdays!

Oh Rickson passed his Class 3A driving test. Congratulations! Yet another driver in the SAF Band B. Next weekend, if i get a good collection of pictures for events that occurred over the past month, I'll post em up. Meanwhile, I shall get back to bed and prepare for a new week. Ciao!

"IMO, if you're not familiar with an environment or your responsibilities, you should not question what you're told to do. You wanna question, you wait till you have the relevant experience. And then perhaps you wont see the need to question anymore. Learn to recognise that you do NOT have a say. Just yet."

Off Day randoms+emo channel 8 drama

2007-04-05T18:04:00.001+08:00

Your little daughter wakes up early on your birthday morning, surprises you on your bed. "Happy birthday Daddy, I love you. You've to come back from work early today okay? I wanna give you your birthday present."

You're a doctor. You went to work. The next thing you knew, was your daughter being admitted into A & E, after a car knocked her down on her way to buying your birthday present. Brain dead.

You're faced with the decision of letting your daughter go. She has the life support machine, but she's basically as good as dead. Being in the Organs Transplant Department, you know your daughter's heart can save another child with a serious heart dilation problem. You and your wife makes a decision.

You will let her go. The moment where she was pushed into the operating theatre, the moment to say good bye comes.

--------------------------------------------------------------

Gosh I couldn't stand that. Was watching the show, some taiwan drama. Yes, the storyline is too convenient to be true. But it wasn't the storyline that got me. It was the reality embedded within it. The possibility of us losing a loved one anytime, any day. Everyone wakes up every morning finding a brand new normal day. But we never know what's going to happen.

I put myself into the parents' shoes. And almost immediately i started tearing. It was such an intense heartache, to know that you're about the only person in the world who has the ability to save her, but there's nothing you can do. It was a terrible feeling, to let your daughter go like that. She was so adorable, so understanding, she was your everything.

...

Okay nuff of randoms. I'm getting more and more depressed now as I think bout it. How vulnerable lives are, how helpless Medicine can get, and the kind of pain each death brings to the still living world. Till again.

leaving you in the lurch

2007-03-03T18:07:00.001+08:00

When you're in trouble and your friends caused you to be in trouble, it spells a calamity.

But what's worse is that you can't tell others that your friend was the cause of it all, for some reasons. That's terrible. You've no choice but to tell that friend that you'll settle it yourself, and that you're solely responsible.

But it sucks cos it looks like he's leaving you in the lurch.

Sigh.

SAF Bands 13th Anniversary Dinner

2007-02-11T15:25:00.001+08:00

The SAF Bands 13th Anniversary Dinner was quite a successful one, though there were some inevitable hiccups along the way especially at the beginning of the dinner. SATISFACTION! But I'm thankful for a group of very talented people, for their absence would mean the failure of this event.

Azhar and Sherman were the perfect people to be the night's Masters of Ceremony. Their reactions to situations off stage were superbly quick.

And then there's Khairul, who has event management at his fingertips. Without him, stuff would've started collapsing along the way.

There's Staff Tham, who remained calm throughout the dinner, despite his numerous claims that he would burst out screaming at people. His cool-headedness got everything in place smoothly.

And 2WO Goh and LTA Aik Kee, who were the Chairmen who made major decisions.

And many other people from Band B. The recorders, the finale dancers, fatigue, decoration, prizes etc etc.

Point is, it's FINALLY OVER. It's been a gruelling couple of months since i sat before 2WO Goh to discuss the initial plans for this event. Day after day, my common hangout was the Band office. And my only friend was the Office standalone computer. Stress, tension, and the urgency to get many things done surrounded me daily. I missed out on alot with my gang. I missed not only the resting periods, but also the training periods. I missed many breakfast sessions with them, many trumpet quartet sessions, many brass quintet sessions and many LowerLounge sessions.

Cheers, it's back to normal life now and I'm back to my friends. I hope they're still there for me, and I hope the distance never grew bigger since I "left" the group for DnD...

Some people to thank, on a personal level:
Zhenhua, Zhongwei, Yiming, Joel, Paul, Farhan: for their commitment to making the recorder performance such a special and memorable one. I'm glad we worked together cos we made each other better friends.

Fuquan, Rickson: for your undying understanding and support. And for always being there for me when I need to whine. For being my dearest fellow Meridians.

Dean,Khairul: for being with me as the lonely 3 Lance Corporals in the Committee. For supporting each other all the time. For understanding.

I hope nothing has changed! And I hope i wont be involved in organising such a big event again. It's really tiring. For now, I'll wait for the incentive offs to be creditted into my account. SOME PICTURES!

First up, my REGISTRATION COUNTER!
From the left, Joel, Zhong Wei, Zhen Hua, Yiming.

That's Dean beside me.

This is me with Farhan.Me with Fuquan and Rickson.

Me with Weekiat and Junyang.

Me with Hong Jun Yang.

Me with Senior Director of Music, MAJ Philip Tng

Me with Band B Director of Music, LTA Aik Kee and Mrs.

Batch 68, SAF Bands! with extras: Lin Wei (clerk), Keith (musician) on the leftSAF BAND B @ 13th Anniversary Dinner 2007 =)

THE Driving License

2007-01-14T21:38:00.001+08:00

Benny passed his driving test! I can't believe it. A couple of months ago I couldn't wait to take my practical driving test, and just yesterday, I went into the test car and passed the test. Time flies. I'm still overwhelmed by the fact that i passed it on my first try. HAh okay enough of bragging.

Life in band has been good, i guess. cept' for the tiring days where we've to settle the annual dinner stuff.

Oh i finally experienced how a welcome guard is like. Got deployed as a bugler for my first time.

Maybe some things were never meant to be. Maybe it wasn't worth the effort at all. Maybe I don't have the right nor trustworthiness to know. What else are you hiding from me?

I hate this feeling. It's coming back to me. Why does it always have to happen? This whole thing about being disconnected from what you know, from what everyone knows.

Then why call me a friend?

SNOW SNOW SNOW!

2006-12-26T21:20:00.001+08:00

I saw snow for the very first time in my life!

Blogging in CHINA

2006-12-24T23:12:00.001+08:00

Blogging in China! Woah this Holiday Inn thing really not bad. There's internet access in the hotel room. Above all, it's FREE OF CHARGE.

It's FREAKING cold here. With temperature ranging from -10 to about 0 degrees celcius. I'm now at Shenyang City of the Liaoning Province. And i'm heading towards Harbin City. The next stopping point is the Chang Chun City. And it's said that the temperature will keep falling, from here to Harbin, with Harbin's temperature as low as -28 degrees celcius. Gosh. And i'm already wearing 4 layers of clothes now.

It wasn't exactly an exciting trip so far, mostly due to the kind of people i'm with on this journey. They're neither my friends, nor my mates. They're my parents' church friends. And i'm really not into saying grace and all. No offence to the Christians, but yeah, that's how i feel cos this group of people are REALLY hard core ones.

The food sucks. Period. Restaurant meals. But they serve the SAME THINGS.

Maybe i'll upload the whole itinerary with some pictures when i'm back. Meanwhile, I really wished i was spending Christmas, and going to spend New Year with my friends and batchmates back in Singapore. I feel so handicapped here. A little lonely.

So here's a Merry Christmas to everyone i know, flown back from China to Singapore. This entry written 30 minutes before the clock strikes 12. Happy Eve!

of chicken little and the new year.

2006-12-17T23:16:00.000+08:00

I'll title this entry Of Chicken Little and the New Year.

I guess i've yet to whine about my recent encounter with chicken little. No, but yeah, but no, but yeah but no it's not that chicken little. He's not a chicken per se. Nor is he little. He's really out of proportion. I meant his body. If i could put up a picture of him here, I would gladly do so. But my camera burst upon several attempts of trying to get his picture. Now who says non-living things don't have emotions.

Well, he has a REALLY REALLY REALLY big head, or so he himself claims. Which er, is pretty much a public fact. Hmmm. Terribly lousy eyes, and an extremely flexible neck that goes poking everywhere. You know, like the way a chicken pecks around for food. Yeah that's it. C'mon let's picture that scene.

There, i knew you'll get it.

So. He's been annoying! He did things to me. Really stupid things. That got Benny's fellow mates angry. I heard everyone else hates him. Too bad. Only the chickens love him. Aye, there's been too much ill discipline going on around him cos he thinks he's really powerful~

Whoever knows me in my immediate life now should know Chicken Little. Infamous, aint he?

Nuff said bout that biatch. It irks me to destroy this whole cutsey image of C.L. Sorry Disney. Anyway, i guess this is goin to be my last entry of the year. I'll be leavin soon enough for my block leave, and will be back when the new year comes.

It's been a really tiring year. Loadsa things goin on. I have much to say to my friends, be it the ones i still see everyday, or the ones i've almost lost contact with. I'll try my best to get em done. I hope 2007 proves to be a brand new start for all of us, for me especially, to learn, again. To learn many things. To be more sensitive, more understanding, less noisy.

Apologies, to all i've offended in the past year. I know, on many accounts, I was at fault, directly or indirectly. So here's a sincere 2006 SORRY. Er, not to C.L. cos i dont think i offended him in any fucking way.

Oops. Less vulgarities too. I'll try to be nicer to everyone.

I only want a few things for christmas this year. Less misunderstandings. I hope we'll all be more open with things. I hope we wont need to pass messages of unhappiness across a middle man again. I hope we'll be like how we used to be back in school. It's pretty much the same, cos we're all still workin together, and workin towards the same date. OK FINE not the same date. I mean, the DATE. I want to forget the difficult things that i'm not prepared to deal with.

I want my friends back.

I want a memory refresher.

Tiring is an understatement. Painful is the precise description.

Maybe this won't be the last entry of the year after all. If ive anythin to add i'll type another one. Meanwhile, merry christmas to everyone. =)

2006-11-28T18:58:00.000+08:00

I will learn from here, to think more than I already do.

Nobody is trustworthy.

This will not get me down. My life goes on as it is, I live it my way. People who want to create trouble will soon leave. They have to. Unless they choose to stay and destroy their own lives.

Nobody understands. Everyone leads their own lives their way. As I will do to mine.

2006-11-06T21:30:00.000+08:00

So, Benny went on his 2nd Changing of Guards Ceremony (1st time participating as Main Band) yesterday, on the 5th of November. So much for looking forward to this big big day which signifies the many many more COGs to come. As all first times are, this was a very memorable experience. Extremely memorable actually. Apparently, it rained for the very first time in (at least) 2 years worth of COGs. According to the next ORDing batch of senior corporals, in their past 2 years of service with the SAF Bands, the wet weather programme has never been activated for COG @ Istana. For me, on this very faithful 5th November 2006, it rained on my maiden experience of parading down orchard road. But I'm pretty much thankful, for at least we got to play the 2 marches before the wet weather plans were activated.

For the benefit of those who actually went to watch, the band DID NOT mean to march right past the Istana gate and pretend as if there wasnt a single audience waiting for the performance to commence. That was the wet weather programme. We were supposed to counter march when we reach the gate, and form up to a mega band with the supporting band, who has already marched out from istana, and waiting at the gate. Then a series of ceremonial things will follow, like, the inspection of the guards (to the tune of Officer of The Day), the announcement of the handover for the Sentry guards, and above all, the Silent Precision Drill Squad performance(to the tune of Japanese Graffiti V & VI). Sadly, all these were cancelled due to the slightly heavier drizzle. Istruments and SAR 21s at stake, so we HAD to go off.

Anyway, it was quite unnerving. The band was mildly (ok slightly more than mildly) disappointed when the Drum Major did not raise his mace to give the counter march command at the Istana gate. And we thought the rain was going to get heavier, so we had no choice.

But HELL NO. The damned rain friggin STOPPED like barely 50 steps into the Istana grounds.

YUCK. URGGH. And next month's CHRISTMAS! But Band B's doing support for COG.

Not sour or anythin, jus a lil disappointed that the rare chance of us doing COG Main had to be discounted in this way.

Just a lil publicity! Next month's COG will probably be on the 3rd of December(with Band A doing Main), and the following month's will be on the 7th of January (with Band B doing Main). So do go down and watch! It's cool!

Smiles. Till again~

2006-10-24T00:17:00.000+08:00

It's been almost a month since i updated. So here i am, hello to the world again!

I've been busy with moving, and to all my friends, I've officially moved back home to Bedok Reservoir! Besides, nothing much has been happening at work. Cept maybe the incident where the Slovak Republic President praised us for playing his national anthem well. For that we got a little gift, so kudos to Band B!

Tiffany says I've to reply to the tags. So hi there chun kiat, thanks for tagging. =) Hope u'll come back for alumni.
To Tiffy: HAHA! Eh let's go out with xuezhen~
To (Sergeant) Jizhong: Have fun with ur 3 arrows. And thanks for rubbing it in. How did u know that my No. 1 buttons burst?

Sigh. I'll come back when I have the mood to i guess, my house is in a total mess and i've to pack them all.

So cya !

When i put in effort, the last thing i need is you putting me down in front of everyone else. Why don't you arrow those who've never put in effort before? ASSHOLE.

2006-09-30T16:41:00.000+08:00

Hello to the world. Life's been okay, and filled with idontknowwhat'sthemeaningofthem parades. But cool though, loads of learning opportunities since i'm really new in the parade band. The first time i put on my No. 1 dress was this GOH Parade for some taiwan general. I think i look alright, apart from looking like a snowman with golden buttons all over myself.

Okay.. I guess my mood's settled down quite a bit, with so much work coming up recently. Everything's going on smoothly, and I'm doing well in terms of my progress for driving and music.

I just need a little bit more luck to pull through.

Till again~

2006-09-17T00:03:00.000+08:00

So it's been a week. We've finally completed the series of BMTC POPs, a couple more interesting ones coming up, cos we'll be playing nicer pieces... apart from mundane marches.

Stayin in camp has proven to be quite an experience with too little things to do once it goes dark. I started my jogging regime, and trying hard to stick to it. So pray for me people.

There're issues that're bugging me. I hate the feeling, and i hope it goes away soon. Let this be some passing phase cos i cannot afford to spend any more effort and my life thinking bout it. I need to focus on the things i want to achieve. I need friendship the correct way friendships should be. I need to spend time thinking about how to help my family out with things.

I'm feeling very backward now. Very inferior, very lousy. Apart from a whole load of academic knowledge, my brain's basically empty. I'm not updated with the latest music, with interesting knowledge, with an interest in something, or just a talent. It's as if I've done nothing in the past couple of years to upgrade myself. I've been living for the sake of it all, and doing what life requires me to do.

Yes, I was once a budding musician, learning and practising enthusiastically. But ever since I stopped, due to situational constraints, I had to give it all up. I had to learn to let go of a burning passion, to pour cold water over it. Cos I had to learn how to cope with the pain of giving something up.

As a result, I lost every skill that i used to have, and every ounce of musical knowledge, feel, groove, and touch. I want to relive it, reignite the passion and achieve what I've yet to achieve in the past few years.

Please, let me do this. I cannot lose focus now. I need a drive, friendships, everything.

Take this intense feeling away.

2006-09-07T20:37:00.000+08:00

I'm not a perfect person, far from it actually. Sometimes I do things that I dont know why I do. It's some form of habit acquired through days of putting on a strong front before people.

But i think tolerance is something that's really really difficult to learn, let alone master. Tolerance for different principles that people around you live by, tolerance for mistakes, tolerance for difference in lifestyles and habits. It's almost impossible to squeeze a whole group of people under one roof without a single bit of unhappiness going on somewhere. Some people perceive certain procedures as important, while others don't. Some think it's fun to engage in a certain kind of activity, while others may find it annoying. Some think it's worth putting in efforts, while others think it's a total waste of time.

But I think it just takes a little effort from everyone, maybe a little more from those who live very very strongly by certain principles in life, to put down their habits and try to embrace the whole act of living under one roof. It can be fun, OR sour.

I need to reflect. I sort of contribute to this whole tension of living together under one roof. Cos I don't have the consistent habit of thinking before i speak.

I apologise.

2006-09-05T21:01:00.000+08:00

*cough cough* DUST !

Okay. So I had my virgin parade today, at BMTC for their POP. Quite a proper learning experience for me, who's extremely new to the duties of a PARADE band. Thankfully, it went pretty smoothly. Minor glitches, but I call them learning opportunities. Nuff said.

It's been a weird one week odd. Been experiencing a different environment altogether, meeting different people, and even feeling differently about people I already know since time began.

I do not particularly enjoying having these mixed feelings, and sometimes they become so strong i feel like giving up being a human being altogether. I hate confusion, and it's exactly what I'm going through.

Argh, let me outgrow this soon.

On top of everything else, I would have to set new quarter year resolutions to lose weight. Staff Tham doesnt want me to increase the size of my No. 3 uniform every 2 months. So i'll have to try and show him that i'll DECREASE the size instead. I need to improve myself in many many many things. I need to learn how to:

1)become less depressed
2)bitch less
3)lose weight. like, ALOT ALOT of weight
4)improve my handwriting
5)bring back my proficiency in the chinese language
6)be a nicer friend and tease less
7)do away with the crap shit weirdified feelings
8)lose weight. like, ALOT ALOT of weight
9)lose weight. like, ALOT ALOT of weight
10)fulfill my resolutions

I hope i'll have enough discipline to work towards them. Been picturing myself with the size and body of Rickson, Fuquan, Dean, Farhan, Yeong Chee, Khairul, and everyone else who's not fat. I think they look gorgeous in normal clothing. On the contrary, I look like shit in the nicest clothing. See, they dont even have to spend time dolling themselves up to look good. And for me, the more i doll up, the more nonsensical I look. Maybe it's low self esteem, but I'm sure many will agree. That's why when we bitch about a person, we go "OMG she's so fat she looks like a pig. Wear so elaborate some more."

Yeah. Benny machiam babi. Sigh.

2 rounds round the standard IPPT 2.4km route. Walk, jog, run, skip or dance whatever. I HAVE to complete that at least 3 to 5 times a week. When I stay in, i'll go for it. FRIENDS WHO ARE WITH ME IN SAF BANDS, HELP. Use this to remind me: "Do you want to remain this size forever?"

I hope it works.

Aah i'll blog when ive something to blog about.

2006-08-19T12:37:00.000+08:00

I remember becoming really depressed when I was in Secondary 4, barely 2 and a half years ago. That was like around july, all the way till the O Levels. You know, stressed out and all cos of many many things that happen during your mid teen years.

So, I was just flipping through my Student's Handbook then, and found something that kept me going. It's a story called The Cracked Pot. I'll share it with you here. Kinda lengthy. So don't read it if you don't want to.

A water bearer in India served his master by toting water from the stream to his master's home. He carried the water in two pots that hung on either end of a pole balanced across his shoulders.

One of the pots had a crack in it, hence, the cracked pot always arrived at the master's house only half full. For two years, this went on. Everyday the water bearer delivered one full and one half full measures of water to the master. The full pot was naturally happy, proud of its service, perfect to the end for which it had been made. The cracked pot was feeling, on the contrary, very inferior. It was ashamed of its imperfection and miserable that it was only able to accomplish half of what it was made to do.

After an eternity of what it perceived to be better failure, the cracked pot spoke to the water bearer. "I'm so ashamed of myself." "I want to apologise to you..."

"Why?" asked the water bearer.

"For the past 2 years, this crack on my side has let water leak out all the way to the master's house, and i have been unable to deliver but half my load," said the pot. "You do the work carrying me from the stream to our master's house each day but because of my defect, you don't get full value from your effort," sighed the anguished pot.

Kindly, the water bearer told the distressed pot. "As we return to the house today, do notice the lovely flowers along the way."

As the trio went up the hill, the cracked pot noticed the winsome flowers - the sun glistering off their bright faces, the breeze bending their heads. But still, at the end of the trail, the faulty pot felt bad cos it had again leaked out half its load, and again it apologised to the bearer for its failure.

But the bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that the flowers were only on your side of the path? Because I have always know about yout 'flaw',I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and everyday while we wind our way back from the stream, you have watered them. And I am thus able to pick these beautiful flowers to adorn our master's table. Were you not just the way you are, the master would not have such beauty in his house."

A simple story all in all, but quite inspiring for me whenever I feel inferior. It's interesting to see what I used to scribble in my little CCHSM Student's Handbook. Little quotes here and there, some remarks of sadness, happiness and whatnots. Oh well. Such is the beauty found in tangible traces of memory.

Okay so it's practical assessment on monday, graduation on friday, and I'll be posted out(hopefully) to either one of the bands already!

Looking forward to wearing leather shoes everymorning. Haha!

2006-08-14T01:28:00.000+08:00

Okay! 12th of August 2006 was a happy day. Quite a fulfilling 19th birthday. Went to fish and co with batchmates dawn, siokwei, justin, junyang, zhenghong, weekiat, puileng, juling, yanqing, geri, baolun, fuquan... and a couple of juniors kenny, xuanwei, zhengyi and paulina. Met donovan up later.

It's been long since we last met up, so we talked alot. FUN!!! Presents too, they were really thoughtful. Cute. Eccentric (giant pen).

So, this very special present i received from a friend this year. I'd like to share it with you people. It's a song! A song from Joel. It's JOEL, so we all don't expect anything less than excellent lyrics. And yes, it's JOEL so the lyrics aint disappointing at all. It's a song for me, on my 19th birthday, 12th August 2006.

Thank you Joel. =) And here's to many more years of friendship to come.

Polaroids in Our Minds

When you look back at this day through time,
I wonder if you’ll see the future we all had in mind?
Thoughts of friendship never lost, lovelorn smiles forever forged
On the palette of our youth.

Today I look back at the times we’ve had,
All the moments (quite disparate) through this life we’ve all shared;
Stupid things we used to say, over dinner, at cafes
Framed like polaroids in my mind.

And then I realize how much poorer
My life would have been
Without you to fit the jigsaw’of all the things that I’ve seen,
I just want you to know, with all my heart
We’ve got a future in this world and this is
Where it all starts.

Happy birthday, to you, my friend,
We’ve shared your life together,
We’ve got a little older,
take a good look at these dreams you have,
they’re ours for the taking,
they’re yours for the keeping,
my friend.

Life often fails to show us why
We keep a smile on’our faces to mask a thousand sleepless nights
We feel withdrawn, faraway from the people of our days,
Finding comfort in just being alone.

And then a faded picture starts to shine
In the darkness, freezing cold, that fills the spaces of our mind
We see those pictures of our past, all the smiles- in groups, in pairs,
And think, “we miss those stories of old”.

We wish the world could just reverse
Like a tape on replay
For us to jump back (in sepia), relive every day
But we think to ourselves that things don’t change
What we had, we have today
So come what may

Happy birthday, to you our friend
We’ve shared your life together,
And we’ve got a little older
Take a good look at these dreams we have
They’re ours for the taking,
They’re yours for the keeping
Our friend

Even as we start to plan anew
Our brand new lives,
Look at all the poetry
Our good times have defined

Happy birthday, to you our friend
We’ve shared your life together,
And we’ve got a little older
Take a good look at these times we’ve had
They’re there for the taking,
all yours for the keeping
All imprints like a polaroid in our minds

2006-08-08T21:41:00.000+08:00

Maybe some things are just not meant to be yours, no matter how hard you work for it. Maybe, after all, you dont have THAT much control over your life. Cos there's someone out there who's planned your life already, and you don't have that ability to look ahead. So you work aimlessly for something that you wished will belong to you one fine day.

Like how someone has alot of passion for doing something, hoping against hope that he'll be able to make his mark one day, and let people recognise that passion; then offer him an opportunity to pursue his passion. Yes, he did it. He made his mark and proved himself. But yet, his efforts were no where near recognised. Why? Thousands of others made their mark too. Some made their mark to an even further extent.

Some of these people have always been outstanding. And aren't these the people the society is looking for? Passion says nothing. What matters is proof. Proof that is built over the years in your life. You will NOT fail for once, or there goes your chance. Like me. There went my chance, years ago.

And i regret. But I can't even cry. Cos that's how the world works.

Then, there's this thing where people dont see your efforts. No matter how much hard work you put in, it's seen as something you're SUPPOSED to do. For granted. On top of that, they surprise you by blaming you for any little thing that goes wrong. You're insignificant at any point of time. And suddenly you become the centre of attraction, the person who needs to bear all the responsibility just because something went wrong.

I don't understand.

2006-08-01T21:02:00.000+08:00

Kids should be taught better manners. I was swimming in the condo pool earlier on, and this boy actually called me UNCLE. UNCLE LEH! For goodness' sake, DO I REALLY LOOK THAT OLD?! Urh. But I can't blame him. Cos this callbennyuncle thingy seems to be running in his family's blood. That kid was throwing his goggles around. And his dad said: "CAREFUL! THERE GOT UNCLE AH..." And mind you, I was the ONLY one in the pool, apart from them. Sigh.

So I heard i went for MJC's 2nd College Day last saturday. Wasn't too bad, as compared to those student audience. Cos i was there for 3 Awards in total. The Academic one, the Exco one and the Colours for band. AND I went for dinner with my dearest classmates and friends that night! Johnson, Mun, Shauna from S203, Luther and Denzil from S204. Fish & Co at the airport, together with Ms Choo. It was a great gathering! The girls talking about their upcoming uni life, and the guys talking about 1)girls 2)how shit-like our lives are 3)how low our intelligence level is now. But it was fun. I'd love to meet them up some time soon!

Yesterday, I went shopping at IKEA with Rick-Bao, Geri, Fuquan and Jac. Skipping everything, there was this bitch at the IKEA restaurant that pissed me off. Ah whatever. Anyway, the journey home with geraldine was hilarious. We had fun imagining how the world would be like, if tomorrow morning both of us woke up with a perfect physique, and the rest of the world who were once fit, woke up to be obese. Especially those who've laughed at us before, they ought to be GROSSLY OBESE. And i promised her i'd bring her, and we'll sashay into all the boutique outlets to get our favourite clothing.

Till that end, i thought about it for the whole night. It was all for the point of letting people understand the fact that NOBODY WANTS TO BE BORN FAT. It sucks. Thinking about the things people say to you from day to day, the things people say with every act of putting something into your mouth, the way they make it sound like you chose to be fat etc etc etc. It sucks. To see your friends fit nicely into the clothing you want so dearly. You know you can afford it financially, but there wasnt a point buying it cos you'll look like crap anyway. So you get ur friend to try it on, because you like it, and you just wanna see someone in it, although, not yourself. Geri and I were on this topic for almost the whole night at Juling's chalet. [speaking of which, HAPPY BIRTHDAY AGAIN, JULING DEAR! HAHA. THANKS FOR ALL THE FOOD ALL THIS WHILE!] And, it's obvious. Only geri understands how i feel, and vice versa. Yes Yes Yes, go on, say i'm whining, say i'm the most irritating fat person on earth, say i'm looking down on myself and that no one really thinks i'm fat and ugly. Come on. Comparison is not a conscious act. All it takes is a passing thought that sometimes become a remark that was not meant to be said.

If i had what it takes, if i had no physical limitations, i'll work my life away just to become slimmer. Nothing to lose, everything to gain. Better looks, probably higher self esteem for mutual communication with girls, healthier lifestyle, longer lifespan, lower risks of shit diseases and many more.

But. I don't. I've a limitation. I cant stretch myself too far. It's not even FAR for a start.

Sigh. God, let me wake up a handsome young man tomorrow. Just, 1 day will do. The joy of buying clothes without having to care about how the sales person will react when you ask for a size. The joy of walking into a boutique outlet and hearing the saleswoman say "This will fit you." instead of "Try it on lah! We got size, dun worry."

Urgh.

2006-07-26T22:12:00.000+08:00

I know, i'll only pass out from training wing in like a month or so.

But i really hope i can get into parade band B!

Not just because of the friends there, but also because i'd love to work under a woodwind player for once. The Directors of Music seems to be mostly brass players. Hmmm.

haha. that was just random.

till again.

2006-07-20T21:16:00.000+08:00

Ok fine. I've been lazy AND tired. So ive not been updating. National Day Rehearsals and stuff... it's been the same routine week after week, so yeah, nothing special's been happening at the White House recently.

MJCSB got her 3rd Gold Award in a row! With 82.xx%, Jericho and Colonel Bogey got mjcsb her 3rd accolade at the National Band Competition. Well, it was mildly disappointing for the seniors, and probably the juniors too. But looking on the bright side, it's a relieving fact that we managed another Gold medal this time round, especially with the disrupted preparation cos of the mid year exams. So yup, kudos to Exco No. 4, J1s and 2s, and my baby - the alumni!

New blood of MJCSB, there's SYF 2007 up ahead, so keep it up and strive for better results! =)

So i met Wendy and other CCHSM juniors at the VCH during NBC. Man, it irks me even at the thought of describing their new band uniform. It's just.. totally un-chungchengish. Oh well. Times have changed although ive only graduated for barely 2.5 years, and i guess things change with time.

Here's a lil somethin for the MJCSB Exco 2006-2007. I retreived it from some old sources. Pretty simple words, but i think it captures what i want to say. So yup, if any of the mjcsb leaders chance upon this, i hope you'll take a moment to read it.

"Its tough being a leader... Its also tough being a follower... Leader and followers do the same thing... Its just the different role they hold. They have equal levels of responsibilities... So both parties suffer if either one of them screws up. Good leaders make people feel that they're at the very heart of things. Everyone feels that he or she makes a difference to the organisation. When that happens... People feel centered... Bonded... And that gives their work meaning... In motivating people...You've got to engage their minds and hearts... Show it by actions...Leaders keep their eyes on the horizon... Not just on the bottom line... They gotta be far sighted... The leaders I met, whatever walk of life they were from, whatever organisations they were presiding over, always referred back to the same failure...something that happened to them that was personally difficult...something that made them feel that desperate sense of hitting bottom... It's as if at that moment the iron entered their soul... That moment created the resilience that leaders need...You can't build a strong corporation with alot of committees that has to be consulted every turn. You have to be able to make decisions on your own... The price of leadership is responsibilty... "

Meanwhile, here's all the best to my old time juniors - namely Huikoon, Sookun, Fabian, Xuanwei, Kinlok, Kenny, Donovan, Tsz Yan, Zhengyi, Paulina, Sarah, Yosua and friends, all the best for the coming Prelims and A levels! There's this time where you've to put mjcsb down temporarily and get down to your lecture notes, and now's the time. So yup, BUCK UP!

Now i can't wait for ORD.

2006-06-30T21:36:00.000+08:00

So it's been quite a while since i last logged in to post. Things have happened, one of which is extremely beyond my comprehension. I shall not describe it here, for fear of further similar troubles. Some idiots just think that they're SO SMART. Maybe because they've nothing to do all day long, and so they spend time googling their names away, only to find a mirror. No, only to find MANY mirrors. Poor people. See how sad their lives are. Fucked up bitch(es).

The SAF Bands had been a pleasant place to be in. For one, you get pumped for scolding FUCK, or any other vulgar words for that matter. So it's been a pretty cultured place to begin with. Ooo, the White House, where the SAF Bands are located, is, IMO, one of the nicest places in Nee Soon Camp. My dad said it used to be the Officers' Mess back in the olden days. So yup. wow.

The only sad thing is that I'm still a TRAINEE in the SAF Bands. And being a trainee means you can't participate in any events for the event proper. We've been doing SERVICE SUPPORT, ie FATIGUE, aka Worker Bee. Maybe except for FUQUAN! He's fanfare trumpet for NDP06 so look out for him when the president arrives! The Training Wing has fun people, and i'm thankful for that. Oh well, seniors say the Training Wing period of SAF Band life is the most memorable and fun time. I've to learn to absorb that. =)

Besides everything else, seeing Weekiat, Jun Yang, Joel, Joseph and Wang Quan at the SAF Bands is one thing worth celebrating. It's record breaking! 8 of us 1987s in the SAF Bands together, from MJCSB. We can form this MJCSB Minor soon.

Met up with Leo today. Had a long long talk crap session, just like the good old days. Was fun while it lasted.

I'm looking forward to NBC. Please don't take it away from me....

Yo momma's so fat, that when she fell into the sea, the whales started singing "WE ARE FAMILY!"

Till again. Band's really busy with SAF Day and NDP now. HAPPY SAF DAY, SAF! -_-

2006-06-07T00:19:00.000+08:00

"And I congratulate each and everyone of you sitting here to have passed BMT."

Yeah, whatever. But finally I'm leaving that place. Couldnt help feeling a little sentimental though, when the fastcraft took off for mainland today. Being me, this is pretty much normal.

And there goes. PTE S. W. Ng.

=)

NBC!!!!!

2006-05-30T18:53:00.000+08:00

The first time i wished i was back at camp, healthy and dealing with lessons.

This fever is killing me, seriously.

2006-05-20T18:35:00.000+08:00

I didn't know there were fireflies on pulau tekong.

My miniature, for-fun field camp just ended on 190506. Nothing worth to be proud about, cos the standard people do 7 days of field camp in BMTC. Not that i yearn for a week long one, FYI only.

Not going to mention much bout that shit place. Firing blanks was fun though. And sleeping under many many stars was fun. Seeing a swarm of fireflies was fun. Apart from that, nothing keeps me missing that 4 days. Maybe the company line looks a lil more luxurious now. And my home feels like a palace. But i'm sure this feeling wears off in a few days.

Sadly, i was not allowed to participate in that battle inocculation course thingy. Again, not that i yearn for it. But you know, experience mah.

So it's life grenade throw and life range and i'll be done.

2 more weeks and 2 days to passing out.

I missed JDV2, and that means alot. I dont wanna miss NBC.

be back soon.

2006-05-05T21:34:00.000+08:00

Come What May

Never knew I could feel like this
Like I've never seen the sky before...
BMTC School 2... Whiskey Company...
Oh how I long to leave here... immmeeeeeeeediatelyyyy!

Seasons may change....
Winter to Spring...
But I hate you....
throughout my N........S.......Days.....

Come what may...
Come what may....
And I will hate you...
until my die.......ing...... days.....

Yes, that's what the slightly more intellectual recruits in my platoon have come up with. And yes, i am back from my beloved Pulau Tekong... (We like it here, we like it here, we've found ourselves a home, a home a home sweet home!) All of a sudden, i learn to appreciate everything around me more. Even my mediocre typing skills which has deteriorated drastically over the last 2 weeks.

Arh whatever. Physically it hasnt been challenging. It's probably the lack of freedom and the prospects of facing charges from almost anyone on that island.

I'm too tired to type. I'm just gonna slack my bookout days away and see how it goes.

See ya.

2006-04-20T21:59:00.000+08:00

AND! It's finally my turn to go in and serve the nation, in another half a day's time. Not that i'm excited bout it. In fact, imma little insecure.

How time flies! I thought army was so far away from me back then, and now it's tomorrow.

I wanted to write some emo shit entry, but thought i should just forget it. I'll be back in 2 weeks anyway. So people, juniors in MJCSB and the whole world, don't forget me okay? I'm not gonna be absent for good.

Keep in touch people!

I'm looking forward to Joie De Vivre II and im hoping i can come out.

A MUSICAL EXTRAVAGANZA BY

MERIDIAN JUNIOR COLLEGE

SYMPHONIC BAND

JOIE DE VIVRE II

19th May 2006

Victoria Concert Hall

Tickets @ $10 each

Free Seating

Highlights include:

Phantom of The Opera

Les Miserables

Backdraft

Noah's Ark

Get the tickets NOW!!!!!

Okay... see all of you in 2 weeks.

2006-04-10T23:08:00.000+08:00

So MJC's band camp v.2 just ended about a day ago, and after all the big hoohas about whichever whatever, rickson, balloon, me, jules, joel, weekiat and geri still spent a night in camp with the juniors over some cup noodles, a couple of drinks, and jules' special Sheperd's Pie. It was essentially the junior's camp, and so we didnt take many pictures.

Through the camp, i observed every detail I could, and had to admit that the juniors, exco number 3, did an excellent job in the planning of this camp. Being me, i drew stupid, parallel comparisons with this camp and the maiden one last year, only to realise that many improvements have been made. Being me again, instead of feeling happy that everything's improving, i felt lousy, and started thinking about why I didnt manage to plan a better band camp with my exco. As it is, ive been feeling upset that i didnt manage to take enough pictures and capture the memories of those days spent in the band camp, and planning for stuff like Dial M (for Murder). read: band camp v.1 Dial M (for Missing), was amazing. It was a whole new improved idea of the initial Murder one. Cool, interactive. I like the story of Kurt Andre (spell?).

In the midst of feeling lousy, i forgot the little things i've experienced with my exco, with my band, with the seniors then that gave me all the happiness that accumulated over the 2 years. I forgot that we contributed to the intial building stages of establishing this band. I forgot that we brought magic to life of an mjcsbandit, and future ones to come. I forgot that we were the ones who waved the wand to create band camp v.1! I forgot that 'M' in "Dial M" once stood for "Murder". I forgot that i ought to be proud, being a part of all these. I forgot that i should be happy that the juniors are making an effort to carry on this bloodline. I forgot that I am not heading the Alumni Band, and there're more things for me to do, more things awaiting my team and i to create, and to welcome each graduating batch.

Thanks to Emma, our dearest pioneer pres of mjcsb. I just happened to read one of her post syf entries, out of complete boredom. And i felt proud once again, that everything had happened. That the band's in good hands after us, that mjcsb's taking flight for a better future.

Quoting Emma:
"anyways yea.. been reading some of the mjcsb babies' blogs. they reminded me of the day i had to hand over monkey to joel.in retrospect, the experience of building up a band frm scratch is damn amazing. i rmb the adhoc com first meeting (l1r6!!). i rmb the first time we went to check out the bandrm. i rmb the day we waited patiently for the instruments to come. i rmb the day we had our first prac. gosh. tts such a long way bck. our first tune in, cca fairs, meridian revelry, joie de vivre, band fun days, bbqs, first xmas tree. of course all these wldnt be possible without the exco and the wonderful wonderful pioneers. reminiscence; its pleasurable when u do it once in a while. nvr fails to leave me smiling and grinning to myself."

Indeed! Reminiscence is sweet. How i wish i had a time turner without a usage limit. Whenever i feel upset or something, i'll rewind time and relive those beautiful moments in life. Though i don't have the luxury of owning so many "first times" like Emma, but i've got many "Second times". (oh goodness that sounds stupid) No, many first times too, actually. Like, FIRST Welfare Officer, FIRST Assistant Student Conductor, FIRST Band Camp, FIRST Inter JC Band Exchange, FIRST SYF, FIRST Juxtapose!, FIRST 4 pillars of the band, FIRST Overseas Trip(to malaysia)!

Damn, i need to learn how to feel more confident about my past. I need to stop feeling lousy. And i need to behave more like an Alumni Band member.

Till again.

bythewayi'menlistingin1weekandfivedays.

2006-03-21T15:47:00.000+08:00

I just dropped by bassoon Eugene's blog, and saw his latest entry, dated 5th of March 2006. So the first thought that i had was "why so unupdated? terrible. tsk. i go blog reading but no one updates. so irritating." Then i clicked on on a link on Eugene's blog that says "Benny" . Once the page has loaded, i came across the greatest irony ever. Benny's latest entry was dated 4th of March 2006. Hurhur.

I'm at my favourite place for studying now - Pacific Coffee @ Terminal 1, Departure Hall, West Wing, with zy and pok, ie lovebirds. So im situating myself away from them so i wont be lightbulbing. Ah well, i was supposed to come for lunch with them, and then go home and continue with Maple Story. But i thought i'd better stay here and read up my Advanced Theory of Driving and prepare for the test before Mr Ng (my driving instructor) screams at me again. I constantly forget to check my blind spots everytime i turn my car. I'd have enough attempts to fail a life worth of driving tests.

ACE THE FINAL DRIVING THEORY TEST! 400 FINAL THEORY QUESTIONS & ANSWERS.

That shall be my favourite book for the next 1 month before the test.

AND so i heard Kong Hwa School called me up this morning to ask me to be a relief teacher in their school for like 3 days. For one minute i was SO happy cos finally, there's someone who wants me to teach. And so she(the khs rep, whoever she is) told me everything i had to bring on my first day for verification. And then i agreed to everything and then she said something that shattered that short lived happiness.

"Err, oh yes. You will be teaching PE and English. Primary 6! you cant just do away with stupid ball games and all. you've got to know how to do real stuff."

HA HA HA! Goodness gracious! PE! P.E. as in Physical Education! I didnt know they allow obese people to be PE Teachers. Ok fine, she didnt know that i was obese.

Sigh. So i told her i wasnt familiar with teaching PE, and when she asked, I said i was overweight.

That's it. She said she'll call me back if she needs an academic teacher.

If only I was 50kg lighter. Then maybe i can pose of as a PE teacher.

Damn. Things just don't happen the way you want them to.

2006-03-04T23:20:00.000+08:00

it was an achievement, no doubt.

i have many to thank.

to the best friend: it's difficult for me to understand. but i hope you'll call me soon. feel better alright? i'll see you soon.

2006-02-25T13:57:00.000+08:00

So... I'm like on OT here at the ministry. and today's a beautiful saturday which i shld have spent at home, rotting away or cultivating some adipose tissues. BUT, being the committed temporary corporate support officer i am, i've come down to join my fellow JAE team members in sorting out and checking the reports and listings for the post-sec postings.

I'm using one of the cubical desktops in the office now cos we're all getting bored waiting for the ITB reports to come out. (or maybe there won't be any, so we're just basically waiting for further instructions). It's been quite a nightmare yesterday as OT stretched till almost midnight. Was a wonderful experience tho, getting cranky and all. Sigh, but i missed dinner with ATP and friends. Missing them loads!

Ahh. and i heard yesterday there was a press release by the ministry, announcing my doomsday on the 1st of March. I'll be reporting for work on that day, then leaving my office in the afternoon to fly back to MJC to collect that piece of paper for doomsday participation, as well as to be showered by looks of pity from the world.

Sigh. I don't know. I really don't know how i'll respond to my results. I know i'm not going to do well, but deep down somewhere, i'm really still in denial. I'm hoping that somehow, SOMEHOW, some miracle will happen and i'll do relatively well. Like an AABB or something. Tiffany was telling me that she's having sleepless nights worrying bout the results. I think that's gonna happen to me real soon too.

What if i do very VERY badly? what if i FAIL A levels? What if i screwed up my GP? What if i get something like a CDFF, D7?

I won't know what to do. I won't know how to face my family and friends and tutors and all who've supported me all this while and expected me to do well. I won't know how to face this failure and climb up all over again. I won't know how to wake up from it. I won't forgive myself...

Sigh. I'm really hoping for the best. I hope my faith will not fail me this time. This wait is killing me... The suspension is really deadly.

Regret: sadness associated with some wrong done or some disappointment.

2006-02-12T00:00:00.000+08:00

Today I met a great new friend,

who knew me right away.

It was funny how he understood

All I had to say.

He listened to my problems,

he listened to my dreams.

We talked about life as if,

he'd been there too it seems.

I never once felt judged by him,

He knew just how i felt.

He seemsted to just accept me

and all the problems I'd been dealt.

He didn't interrupt me

or need to have his say.

He just listened very patiently

and didn't go away.

I wanted him to understand

how much that meant to me.

But as I went to hug him,

something startled me.

I put my arms in front of me

and meant to pull him nearer.

Then realised that my new best friend,

was nothing but a mirror...

Where is everyone else ?...

Mistake. An error or fault resulting from defective judgment, deficient knowledge, or carelessness.

Believe me.

2006-02-10T11:41:00.000+08:00

Ahh. Hello to the world! I'm very happy to announce that i'm employed again. I'm currently AT WORK. and i'm working at the MINISTRY OF EDUCATION, PUPIL PLACEMENT SECTION, as an ADMIN ASSISTANT for the JAE Team. Wooo~ it's been really an eye opening experience. I never knew that so much logistics was involved prior to the release of the O Level results. So, er naturally, i'm kinda sick of looking at result slips, or FORM As, as we call it, in the office.

It's really NOT as easy as it sounds, "working in the MOE, eh? must be easy."

I feel more like a logistics assistant rather than an administrative one. Excluding the process of going through and checking thousands and thousands(not exaggerating) of reports, my job scope includes sealing envelopes, printing memos, carrying cartons of paper, and even searching for ONE result slip out of 5000+ private candidates at the Dispatch Room. Quite interesting, quite interestingly like hell. The energy exhaustion is really fatal.

SO. it's O level results day today! and the ministry's getting busy with setting up the registration system, placing staff in every station to welcome the excited Pre-U-to-be juniors. I'm, of course, stationed at this training room, a place we call [P2-5], with 4 walls and 30 computers. only. Results are currently not even out yet. So i'm left with nothing to do, except MSN Web Messenger, and Blogspot.

AAAAHHH and i heard huijun just called me for a job offer as a relief teacher at Beatty Sec. SUDDENLY all the good job offers surface. FYI, pay as a relief teacher rocks. BUT i'm down with MOE Admin. so damn it. urrrh.

Working at the ministry is cool though, like you get to have lunch at the Biopolis; this HUGE sci-tech research centre just next to the ministry, and which, i think, looks 10 times nicer than the ministry itself. though the ministry is very tall.

Good luck to everyone for their O level results! =) Remember to come down to Ministry to register even if you have internet at home! So i wont be bored. haha.

till again~

2006-01-31T01:16:00.000+08:00

i don't mean to paint a gloomy picture of cny2006 with all that festive spirit going on around me. but. chinese new year, so far, had been disappointing. sadly, i enjoyed less than a fifth of everything since the eve of this lunar new year. twice in a row, i was made to attend something or go somewhere i didnt like to or want to go. and i was made to stay. pardon me for the incoherence of this entry.

reunion dinner. to me, for the past 18 years of my life, it's always been having steamboat with my paternal cousins at my paternal grandparents' place. we'll be sitting down at the dining table, with the steamboat, talking about everything under the sun. then we'll have desert and drinks, and play cards. this year however, i had to spend it with my MATERNAL cousins and THEIR maternal cousins and aunts and uncles and everyone else whom ive probably never seen before in my life. i left my paternal grandparents at home with all the food they've prepared. it PAINS me at the thought of it. and frankly, im tonnes closer to my paternal cousins. they're VERY apparently nicer pple.

then came day 1. visiting used to be something i'd really look forward to. it used to mean meeting all my cousins and aunts and uncles at my paternal grandparents' place, sitting down together for lunch in our nice new clothing, talking away, chatting and catching up on stuff we've missed in the past year. we'll play cards, talk bout band, and talk about stuff we can all talk about. no S papers, no achievements, nothing. just family. BUT. this year, im really really disappointed. i had to rush from place to place. my family went early to offer greetings to my paternal grandparents, and we left like shortly after. i havent even caught sight of my cousins. then we left for my maternal grandma's. and the same thing happened. reason: my mother was rushing for the chinese new yr church service at indoor stadium. (no offence, christian friends). i was really reluctant to go cos i really am NOT into it. i wanted to get back to my grandparents' to meet my cousins up again. but my mother made me attend it. and that took away my entire afternoon + evening of the first day.

but the pastor (joseph prince) was undoubtedly impressive.

the night. the night i enjoyed. the night i enjoyed was as short as the time it takes for a bee to flap it's wings once. i met my cousins up at my aunt's place. and finally got to talk crap and play cards. but only for the miserable 3 hours. then i got home. maplestory was my next best companion. (okay whatever)

day 2. again. rushing from house to house. paternal, then maternal aunt. but i enjoyed my evening from 6 to about 9.30. cos i met up with long lost huifen, junwei, quanming, xiufeng and kailing! and of course, xiufeng's andrew and kailing's terence. it's been so long. we had a really good chat and many laughing sessions. we had mahjong. we had the fun long gone before.

but my mum wanted me at her best friend's place right after my dinner at kailing's. so i went. and i waited in extreme boredom as they first had their fellowship. and then gossiping session. and then bible studies. and then gossiping session again. i felt redundant there. i waited there for a solid 2 and a half hours doing nothing. it's not like im interested in playin with the kids there. they're all below half my age. or even one-third of my age. so i asked what time we could go. and my mum got pissed off.

why? cos she was enjoying herself. and i suggested that i went home first. and she said i was rude to the owner, ie her best friend. and she said i was childish, and she said i didnt know manners. and she said i shouldnt pull a long face AT ALL cos i was in the fault. and yes, that WAS a scolding on the way back home. excellent. on the second day of chinese new year.

i've no idea why i landed myself into such a terrible chinese new year this time. probably gotta do with growing up. things just don't fall in place like it used to. it seems like a really depressing start to everything that's coming. i hope it's not a bad omen that shows something like... err.. my A level results are gonna be screwed? *TOUCHES ALL THE WOOD IN THE WORLD* maybe this is all the bad luck i'll rcv for the coming year. hopefully.

im goin visiting with the juniors tmr. and im hoping that it's going to be enjoyable.

happy cny, nevertheless, to everyone. good luck for the A level RESULTS to my batchmates, and good luck for the A level EXAMS for my juniors. yeah. till again!

i'm apologetic. really... but there are things i must express.

2006-01-25T23:08:00.000+08:00

Aaaah. it's CHINESE NEW YEAR SOON! Sorry for the LOOOOOONG break and thanks to all those who have been coming here regularly to check for updates. Life since that week after new year's day had been in a rush, with me looking for jobs day in day out, taking up short term temps and all. So i've been kinda occupied with stuff everyday and i really don't have the mood to type when i get home.

I decided to just log in to clear some cobwebs today cos huijun said it's COBWEBS HQ! Thanks alot huijun, you're such a nice friend. really, i mean, you're so nice to say that my blog's become cobwebs HQ. THANKS AH. THANKS~

so. updates! mjcsb alumni is on the way. college has granted us miraculous access on saturdays into campus WITHOUT a teacher around! so im gathering response now together with juling, rickson and baolun. hope it works out well cos ms lai's lookin forward to the alumni band performing for Joie De Vivre II (YES IT'S A TWO!).

so i heard half the world's in NS already. in a matter of another 4 or 5 weeks it's gonna be another batch of friends enlisting. rickson and i will be about the last 2 to enter NS. urh. and we're juniors in terms of knowledge regarding army stuff.

i'm meeting up my long lost j3 gang this friday for a CNY pot luck gathering! finally. it's been thousands of years since i last saw dawn and siokwei, joel, zhenghong, junyang and the rest of my aga peeps! missing them loads and i really wanna take the chance to catch up with all of them again. they're all either working now or serving the nation, and from day to day, it's almost impossible to meet them up. special people! special memories, special gathering this friday. yay.

i've been meeting up with the juniors for dinner every now and then... hopefully it's not a futile attempt to keep in touch with them. they're all so busy with work now! and the things they talk about now are increasingly sounding like greek to me. maybe it's a senior thing. i guess distance and frequency of contact really makes a difference. oh well but i'm trying my best. sigh...

i'm missing school. i miss the days where i didnt have to worry about adult travel fares, about whether my boss will pay me on time, about whether i was doing a good job, about making mistakes and about being fired cos of reporting late for work. i miss the days where mistakes can be forgiven, help and guidance is at always available whenever i needed them, where i could just spend my life worrying about the next oganic chemistry test, or thinking about which lecture to pon. i miss the days where i could see my friends from day to day, meet them up for recess or lunch, go out and have fun after school, drop by the band room as and when we wanted. i miss the days where tutors used to go "you have no right to a life now. A levels is your life." i miss the days where i had to recite the definition of catalysts with jiayan along the corridors.

this is ironic. im but into my 2nd month since i graduated from mjc. but ive already realised how honeymoon-like school life is. setting aside exams and academic pressure, everything else about school is better than being in the real society. things are harsh and people don't really care. parents' letters are nonsense, a call with a dumb excuse is useless against ur boss, and all that counts is punctuality and impression.

im beginning to get tired of all these running around. when's NS coming?

till again...

2006-01-07T19:27:00.000+08:00

Time really flies. It's been almost a week since I spent new year's eve at bedok reservoir. Sigh. The world is coming to a standstill, with me still suffering from search unemployment, my friends all going out to work or have already pledged to serve the country, as well as the juniors going back to school to begin the hectic A level preparation year. It's getting quieter. And i'm beginning to feel empty all over again...

It seems like looking through the collection of pictures I have in the computer is able to provide momentary happiness, as i enjoy the sweet reminiscence of the past. I thought i'd just share it here, because these pictures captured the some of the most beautiful moments that made my life complete.

MJCSB @ Genting Highlands

There were many more pictures, of course. but i didnt have the patience of uploading everyone single one of them.

I've been so preoccupied with everything since A levels ended. and i sorta forgot bout some people who were always around me all this while. Leo, Huijun, and Tiffany. My CCHS pals. I'm feeling supa bad about not bidding leo goodbye for his 2 weeks confinement in the land of sweat and wild boars. Sorry mate! I'll make up for it with a meal on ur bookout day. Huijun! you're so like my sista. It's been 2 years since we graduated, and though we didnt speak to each other very often, i don't feel distant to you at all! DINNER sometime! and Tiffany, without her daily dosage of whining and paranoid phone calls during A levels, i think i would've died halfway thru the battle. Yeap! good luck to you and me, for finding a job. and kudos to us, for passing our BTT. nothing great actually. but we didnt really study, remember? =)

that's all for now i guess. will try harder the next time. posts are getting really less and less juicy nowadays.

plans for mjc alumni band are initiated. i hope it materialises.

till again!

2006-01-01T14:45:00.000+08:00

Happy New Year to all! It's finally 2006, and it's finally time for a long long entry.

Spending the last few hours of 2005 together with fabian, sarah yap, zhengyi, kenny, sookun, pok, donovan, xuanwei, rickson, juling and zhenghong at bed0k reservoir was amazing. It was our own little countdown, with nothing more than pizzas, a few bottles of drinks, and sparklers. It wasn't crowded and noisy and happening, nor was there loud music and deejays. It was just us, and us alone, at the top of that little hill by bedok reservoir. Thanks guys, it was yet another magical night.

2005 had been an extremely eventful year for me. I've so much to write, but i don't know where to start. The recollections and memories of this past year, is overwhelming. They're just like vivid figures rushing thru my mind.

Band camp version 1 & Dial M for Murder had to be one of the most fulfilling things ive ever done in my life. I'll never ever forget that sense of satisfaction, seeing bonds form, and seeing the band becoming one big family. That was when i first felt the satisfaction of being in charge of welfare.

Then came SYF, the most magical moment of my life with mjcsb. The spirit was just amazingly high, and for the very first time, i felt love in mjcsb. I felt like everyone was suddenly connected in some way or another. The most glorious day it shall remain, in mjcsb's history.

Then there was the genting trip, the international band competition. "Emotional rollercoaster" would have been the best words to describe the log of feelings we have experienced throughout the trip. It peaked during the day of the competition. Everyone became everyone else's friends, and they hugged and consoled each other regardless of who it was. The band did well, but everyone was together, feeling the same disappointment with regards to the technical glitch. It was wonderful. The standard of the food served up there aside, the trip was a marvellous one.

My JC life has officially ended(hopefully), and the 2 years, though filled with hardship and terrible school days, had undoubtedly been really happening and meaningful. I could never describe how i feel about all the people i've met in these 2 years. They're the best people around, really. That said, i've a few groups of people whom which i want to express my gratitude towards.

Firstly, my MJCSB clique - AGA. Dawn, Siok Wei, Rickson, Baolun, Fuquan, Eugene, Juling, Joel, Zheng Hong, Meng Yang, Puileng, Jun Yang, Justin. Without them, i seriously wonder if i could even last through JC1. Without the daily dosage of gossiping sessions, crappy dinners and outings, mutual encouragement and helping each other with work, JC life would have been alot less meaningful. You guys are the best people around, and I really hope that we will keep in touch for as long as we can! How I miss those after band times, the steamboat dinner at my place during CNY, and the many many magical moments we all shared. Thanks to all of you. Steamboat dinner again for CNY this year? =)

Secondly, my MJCSB Junior Clique - ATP. Huikoon, Sarah, Sookun, Tsz Yan, Paulina, Kin Lok, Fabian, Kenny, Xuanwei, Donovan, Zhengyi, Yosua. These people made my JC2 year a whole lot more worth living. They're the craziest bunch of juniors you can EVER see. You pple have played a huge role, and made a difference in my life. It's really been enjoyable hanging out with u pple. I dont' know how nice a senior i've been to all of you, but thanks ALOT ALOT for everything you all have done. Do study hard! and remember to keep in touch with me. Love you pple loads... i'll miss you all so much.

Thirdly, MJCSB 2nd Executive Committee (inclusive of Dial M Comm). Joel, Vincent, Weejuay, Justin, Eugene, Baolun, Fuquan. You guys have been wonderful work partners, and i'm really glad we worked together to achieve what we set out to do. Thanks alot for everything, because from each and everyone of you, i learnt things that i never knew. It was really pleasant, and i'm still upset that we didnt take enough exco pictures while we were still in office...shall we go out again?

Fourthly, MJCSB - Refined Ladies' Association and friends. Weekiat, Geraldine, Xiaojun and everyone else... These people make my life complete! They've been valuable teamplayers and nice bitching partners too. Thanks alot!

Then comes the 04S203 civics group mates. They're the people i see everyday. They're the people who tide thru the hard times of incomplete tutorials and failing tests with me, and they're a wonderful group of classmates. I miss the crazy Jiayan with all that daily episode of chinese and canto lessons, and memorising why transition elements are coloured along the corridors. I miss GuanZhen and our gay "bye bye" waves. I miss them all, I miss class!

Great 2005 year, i think. Although there were emotional downs. Also in this year, many things have changed. Interpersonal relations became a whole lot more complex, and there're are increasingly many things that people don't see. Things are in actual fact, becoming more complicated than they actually look. And once again, it feels to me as if i'm done with one phase of life. And the people, the friendships forged, will disappear from now on. It feels as if i've done my part to chain everyone up in this process, then i stay to watch how it happens, and i stay alone.

Sigh. i better snap out of it before i become all melancholic again. Deep down, i'm experiencing pretty complex emotions about everything that has happened. mildly depressed, yet glad. I've no idea why. It's a tinge of jealousy, a tinge of disappointment, a tinge of sadness and a tinge of hopelessness and loss all mixed together.

Some beautiful moments of year 2005:

BAND CAMP V1

SYF CENTRAL JUDGING

INTERNATIONAL BAND COMPETITION - GENTING HIGHLANDS

These few for now i guess, hopefully i'll bother to post more pictures up! Keep in touch my friends! Till again...

2005-12-25T03:16:00.000+08:00

Okay fine. i didnt fulfil my promise and update my blog as stated in the previous entry. but here i am! at 3.17am, typing this entry. It's christmas day! so MERRY CHRISTMAS TO EVERYONE!

Especially to my dearest band clique - AGA, my junior band clique - ATP & friends, MJCSB on the whole, my 04S203 civics group mates whom i've not really met since A levels ended, my PAE 04S204 mates, my cchsmband pals huifen, junwei, kailing, lianwei, quanming, xiufeng, lookit; my loyal supporter all thru from sec 1 to now - Leo; my favourite 4DL classmates like huijun, and my bestest pal - tiffany.

Well it's been a pretty (un?)eventful christmas eve night with a group of them. Wonderful though, spending this night with kinlok, tszyan, fabian+sarah(yap), xuanwei, donovan, zhengyi and zhenghong wandering along orchard road and getting all pissed off by pple who enjoy playing with foam sprays. desperate for snow i assume, or maybe some of them just need skin whiteners(haha!). Countdown wasnt really countdown cos we didnt really get to count. There was a sudden huge roar from the crowd outside wheelock, and YAY it's Christmas Day! Yeah that's it.

I feel utterly overdressed. (RANDOM)

All in all, it was fun. I mean, anything beats staying on at my mum's friend's place singing songs of praise, dancing, and mingling around with the adults that i've never seen before, describing the jc system and how i got through my 12 years of education, OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

MJCSB gave me life in these 2 years. I'm really going to miss everyone so much when next year starts. As fabian puts it, the real test of friendships comes after graduation, where pple don't have the luxury of seeing each other everyday. How true, judging from experience. I never wanna see all these fostered friendships get left behind into history when life goes on for all of us. Never wanna lose it all once again...

Merry christmas again, people. Till again! (pictures next time, hopefully)

Thought of the day: I don't know how much I mean to you, and you and you and you... I feel like my existence never really made a difference at all, much as i wanted it to. It's painful to see everyone sharing something common only to them, but not to you. I don't know how much i must do, and i don't know where it lies. I don't know if hugs and kisses and wishes were ever meant from the bottom of hearts, I don't know if we were as close as i thought, and i don't know if you and you and you and you will miss me when i'm gone. I don't know if i've been of help with anything, I don't know if I were nice enough, I don't know if i've been a good friend and soulmate and everything, and i don't know if i've made an impact in your lives. Everything just means too much to me, and i don't know how to describe it to you and you and you and you....

2005-12-19T00:53:00.000+08:00

I've just done one round of blog hopping, something i've not really done since A levels started.

I thought i should update, with some pictures taken in Genting Highlands, and then do an afterthought post.

Yeah that's what i will do, but not now cos there's pre tune-in band practice early tomorrow, and i'm meeting the juniors for breakfast!

Tomorrow! i promise. =)

2005-12-09T21:47:00.000+08:00

I'm back from Genting Highlands (Malaysia) with MJCSB for the 21st Century International Band Competition. It's been such "a good mix of fun, laughter tears and triumph", as quoted from Fabian. Indeed, this trip to Malaysia gave me an entirely deeper understanding of the band. There's just so much to describe! I'll attempt to do a summary.

Basically, Singapore Rhapsody Mvt II and Noah's Ark rocked the Genting International Convention Centre on 7th December 2005, Thursday. The feelings were just THERE, and the delivery was an excellent one, beyond our own expectations and standards. Scores were as follows:

Singapore Rhapsody: 443/500
Noah's Ark: 453/500

Excellent! A percentage of 89.6% rightfully belonged to MJCSB. The position of top band for this competition was rightfully earned by us. But no, the post result announcement hour was one which was full of tears and unhappiness, disappointment and righteous anger. Because of a stupid technical glitch, we had to be penalised by 5% of our total percentage, the glitch being, OVER TIME. When all of us heard about it, we were shattered. After penalty, we missed the top position by 0.08%. But it wasn't announced that our marks were penalised. Girls and guys alike, broke down. There was nothing to rejoice about, except for the fact that everyone felt the same way with regards to this issue. Pure disappointment and heartache for our fellow bandmates, for Ms Sia. We did not win NOT because we played badly. That was the 2nd time in my band life, I've ever seen a whole band cry together. The first was in MBS, when we got our first Gold Medal. And the second, was here in MJCSB, when this happened... It was an overwhelming sight.

Justice kind of prevailed though. On the closing ceremony, our raw scores before deduction were re-announced, and the fact that our marks were deducted was also announced. And the organisers removed the rankings, putting in place a new award: Gold with Distinction for bands scoring 85% and above. And we proved our worth at the performance for the ceremony. Noah's Ark stormed Genting Highlands that night. It ended well. The band was yet again, a level more closely knitted together, with the desire to present our best rendition of Noah's Ark and Kaze No Mae to the rest of the participating bands.

The cocktail party ended in our favourite medley cheer and the college anthem, with pple getting very high and excited and all.

Sigh. time flies, and here i am back in Singapore already. I'm beginning to miss crossing over to kinlok's room or yosua's room to chat and crap; miss walking out into the cold and up little slopes to get a breathtaking city view together with tsz yan, paulina, xw, junyang; miss sharing a room with fabian; miss crapping and bitching with dawn and siokwei; miss sitting at Starbucks with ms sia and fellow band members drinking hot chocolate in the cold night and talking about everything under the sun.

It's been a beautiful closing chapter of my term in MJCSB. I'll never forget the past few days...

I shall post some pictures up soon. Meanwhile, i need sleep. Missed it last night.

Till again!

2005-11-26T19:22:00.000+08:00

Hey, it's all over!

Yeah.

You free?

Yeah.

1)
Hmmm you said something about going out?

Yeah. Sure.

Hey! aren't we supposed to go out today? Why're u still not out?

Sorry. I don't think i'm coming already. Yeah.

2)
Hey! you free to chat?

Haha... yah. But i'm watching tv.

Life is boring right.

Yah. Haha, okay i wanna go watch tv now. Cya!

3)
Hey wanna go out?

Eh? We're all going out tomorrow. Didn't they tell you?

Err no...

Oh okay. we're going to watch a movie. i think they forgot to tell you. Haha!

Well things do happen. Life just doesnt turn out the way you want it to, even after exams. Things change at an alarming rate.

It's kind of disheartening, to see the world getting increasingly interconnected, except you. Everyone has everyone else. And all you're left with is yourself, yourself and yourself. Again, you don't mean anything to anyone. You're just a last resort, something to use and look up when all others are gone.

What's the point? Of thinking about what you'll want to do for everyone, how much you appreciate people in your life, how nice you should be to them... How many people actually appreciates you?

I'm upset. disappointed. that some people, some friends can turn SO extremely practical. Time and again i say i won't let it happen again, i'll turn hard. but it never works. It makes me think about the value of my existence.

Forgotten. the condition of being treated with thoughtless inattention; neglected.

Look me up only when you need something from me? Talk to me only when you need me?

A precious diamond when needed, a speck of dust or a dirty old rag when not needed anymore.

Sigh. What's there to look forward to?

2005-11-25T09:51:00.000+08:00

Actually, ending A levels aint that big a thing after all. Ending A levels late really sucks. It kinda makes me feel detached from the world. Everyone else is probably SICK and TIRED of ENJOYING, when i just got freed and WANT to START enjoying.

Sigh. It's kinda difficult to get people out now, i guess. The rest of the world is already occupied with everything else. No one is contactable, and i remain ignorant of what's happening outside my house. How sad...

There used to be so much i'm looking forward to, but nothing materialises.

And as always, once again, I'm forgotten.

Why does it always have to happen?

2005-11-24T14:47:00.000+08:00

And... hello to the world! People it's the TWENTY FOURTH OF NOVEMBER ! It's the END of my 2 year A level course. Shall post up a couple of issues for this entry.

1) A Levels. I have absolutely no idea as to whether i screwed my papers up. But i swear i saw the papers gloating when the Chief Preceding Examiner announced the commencement of each paper. So, i can officially erase theory of binomial distribution and related things off my memory now. Maybe i'll retain the structure of the breast and roles of hormones during pregnancy. Hmmm, I'd love to keep the Liquidity Preference Theory too, and erase the Poisson Distribution and related chapters. I'm of course at the liberty to do all these, provided i don't repeat the A levels. *touch wood*

2) Maha Bodhi School Concert Band 10th Anniversary. On the 11th of November, i went back to MBS and played for the launch of our 10th Anniversary recording - Odyssey! It was marvellous. The juniors were SOOOOOO cute. Ah anyway, the point is that ODYSSEY rocks. A compilation of 13 songs, of which 10 were played by the alumni band, and 3 were by the junior band. Here's a little extract(a little editted) from Camilia's blog.

1 yr of hardwork

2 different recording days

5 different location to practice

13 hand-picked specially practised pieces

67 mins of pure symphonic band music

116 students' sweat and saliva

1 pregnant lady

and last but not least

10 years of memories

10 years of growing up

10 years of music sharing

How true! I vividly remember how we first went back to that AV Theatrette of MBS for the very first alumni band briefing on this project, some 1 year ago. and the once a month practices, all for the sake of this recording. So support us guys! purchase ODYSSEY @ $20 each for fund raising to let the kids go overseas. Let me know if u wanna listen to a track or two. It's definitely impressive, for a (the best)primary school band and her alumni.

The launch was a pretty emotional one i guess, though there werent much tears and all. I'm so going to miss playing in a band with these band mates who were with me thru from primary 3 to primary 6. And the REALLY REALLY cute juniors. im really turning paedophilic. And my conductor Mr Quek Boon Hui, and the pregnant Ms Angeline Wee (aka Mrs Leonard Tan), and the whole group of my primary school teachers. Memories...

3)Prom Night @ Fullerton - Abrace La Noche. I'm still thinking of what to wear, and what to do to my hair so that i don't look like an over filled chinese dumpling. I need to lose some weight seriously. But i don't mind. because the next big thing is about wasting as much time as i have currently. Oh well. i'll see to it ASAP. (as always)

4)Driving! Basic Theory Test. The first thing i got to today after my biology paper 1, was the registration for my Basic Driving Theory Test. nothing great, thought i'd just put it up here to increase the length of this list. I hope i'll pass. the theory book looks boring.

5)Relief Teaching. I registered with MOE as a relief teacher, and was given provisional approval already. So SCHOOLS! You can employ me during this period of time as a relief teacher already! I do hope i can get back to CCHS(M) and teach. Maybe i'll go back and check out some teaching vacancies.

6)MJCSB and Noah's Ark. Yes! and the greatest of all, is of course the post-prom Genting Trip together with MJCSB for the competition. I can't wait to get together with AGA and friends as well as ATP and friends, as well as bitch with Ms Sia again! Life rocks when there's just band and band and free time. So for now, 1.5 weeks to the competition, i'll be trying very hard to get my embrochure back, and practising Noah's Ark. So, all the best to MJCSB and Noah's Ark!

So, that's for now. i guess i'll blog more tomorrow or something. i need to SLEEP!

2005-10-28T16:59:00.000+08:00

It's 1 and a half weeks to the A levels!

"will rise, will perform, will do it once again..."

YES! here i am determined to do well for the A levels, and i certainly hope that all forces of nature will aid me in achieving that goal. arh but doing last minute work doesnt seem to help.

anyway, im taking a HIATUS!

Like finally. Don't think i'll be blogging till after the A's! and see all of you on the 24th of November. Till then, i'll have lots to update about. like about my papers and the MBS CD launch.

continue tagging! =)

and all the best for the PWers as well as the A Levels pple.

Watch it...
"will rise, will perform, will do it once again..."

2005-10-19T23:28:00.000+08:00

OH MY GOODNESS it's NINETEEN days people, NINETEEN. yes that's how u spell it. AND it's finally the end of Day 1 of this HUGE and VIGOROUS revision plan ive drawn up for myself. 9/10 things were completed. pretty proud of myself.

Ahhh. i think all my A level papers are currently sitting in some cabinet of the MOE Examinations Board, resting in their warm corners, awaiting pen ink to be written all over them. ESPECIALLY my bio paper 2, which happens to start the A level ball rolling.

Bio paper 2: "Hahahahaha..... i'm going to see how BENNY can score an A with me around. I'm such a high standard paper. DREAM ON!"

OH NO, my Bio paper's gloating at me !

Sigh. that was really random. i feel it now.

Anybody, can you see it coming? Can you hear the distant whispers of Maths paper 1 chatting with Maths paper 2???

2005-10-16T16:23:00.000+08:00

Nope, i'm not committing a sin now. I'm here to make a couple of announcements for the benefit of all. Here goes:

1) TO ALL MAHA BODHI CONCERT BAND ALUMNI

a) The anniversary CD is launching on 11th November 2005.

Venue: MBS Hall

Time: 2.30pm (for full run thru and rehearsal for the launch concert)

Concert attire: Black PLAIN polo t shirt (WITH COLLAR) with BLUE jeans. Branding is alright, but make sure the shirt's not too flowery.

Pieces: Animation Medley, Concerto D Amour, Pirates of the Carribbean.

Note: It will be a formal concert as guests from the school management as well as our band juniors' parents are invited to attend the launch. Please do spread the word to all who participated in the recording. Thanks.

b) There will ALSO be a meeting cum rehearsal for all alumni members on the 4th of November.

Venue: MBS

Time: 3.30pm to 5.30pm

Note: All alumni members will be given 2 tickets for the launch concert so they can invite their family/friends to watch it. So please attend this meeting to receive your tickets.

2) TO ALL BUDDING JUNIOR COLLEGE STUDENTS IN SECONDARY 4 THIS YEAR!

Meridian Junior College

Open House cum Learning Agora

21st October 2005

Come around to take a look at the coolest college downtown(east) !

2005-10-12T20:31:00.000+08:00

And once again I stay alone and watch... as everyone else becomes interconnected, as everyone else share similar memories, as everyone else seem to have someone else with them.

Sigh.

2005-10-10T20:37:00.000+08:00

I'm currently committing the greatest sin on earth, ie blog when it's like 30 days away from the A levels. Sigh, but i really saw the need to throw some of my thoughts out, before i go bonkers. Time flew past, much faster than it used to do so in this past week, and i wonder why. School days were a whole lot shorter with the collapsed time table, with only periods of revision lectures scheduled. The afternoons were left for us to do our self revision. It's been one week, and i don't see myself any more prepared for the A levels than when i was taking my preliminary exams.

I shan't say that life's been mundane. But in all these rushing in and out of lecture theatres and tutorial rooms, i've seriously missed out on many many things. Sometimes i stop at the corridor and suddenly wonder why. For my future, of course. They say, everything's worth giving up for this cert. Sigh.

I've missed out on my dearest AGA pals, i really really really miss them a hell lot. Even though we see each other in school from day to day, but we never really stopped to gossip, talk, laugh, have fun and do anything under the sun like we used to. Everyone's in this human race... everyone can't afford to stop. The best anyone could give was nothing more than a smile, a wave, or a hi-bye. Sigh...

I've missed out on peeps like Leo, Huijun, Huifen and my CCHS friends in other colleges. They too, are involved in this path to complete A levels. It's been long...

I've missed out on hanging out with ATP-the craziest batch of JC1 juniors ive seen in my life, the people who brought laughter and joy into the colourless JC2 life of mine.

I really hate to be judgmental, cos it's terrible to dislike someone and vice versa.

In the midst of all these burying myself into lecture notes and books and revision worksheets, I've lost my sense of security all over again. It seems like i've gone back to how i used to be, insecure, scared, lonely. I can't wait for all these to end. I long for days that are simple, enjoyable and comfortable. I

Here're some random messages to my friends:

Huijun: Don't ever give up girl, we're the Chung Cheng dynamites! ^_^ And remember, Diligence is the presence of perserverance, and the absence of indolence. We're reaching the end very very soon. We might as well give it a full shot! I'll see ya with tiff after the A's. tk care!

Leo: Nothing much to say, except to study hard. Time you should put down all your interpersonal troubles like being at a loss for words when ur friend wants to commit suicide. and MUG your ass off. I hope you'll get straight As. no, really. no joke. tk care too.

Tiffany: I know you're as uncertain as me, and i know you're scared that we both won't make it for bio at A levels, and chem and math for that matter. But i hope that we'll both work hard together for this final lap like how we used to do 2 years ago, before both our lives take on a different route altogether. I know you can do it, really.

AGA: I MISS YOU GUYS...!!! I can't wait to get together with you guys again. And not to talk about studies, but sit together and bitch and recall those memories and do EVERYTHING we want to do...All the best for A levels!

ATP: Well well, I guess i won't be seeing you guys much till after the A levels (i hope), and i certainly hope that you pple won't be forgetting me soon! Just wanna say thanks for everything, including the teaching sessions. don't know if they benefitted you, but they helped me recap my concepts. Huikoon, Xuanwei, KinLok and Sookun owes me a total of 3 days worth of meals. REMEMBER!

Till again.

2005-10-02T20:04:00.000+08:00

From www.colorgenics.com

You feel worn out, physically and mentally. Recently the going has been tough and it looks as if there is still a considerable way for you to go before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel. If only you could put a protecting wall around yourself and cut yourself off from the rest of the world - be it even for only a little while - how wonderful it would be, but you can't - so you need to bear with it. Just when everything will seem at its lowest ebb you will find that there is a turnabout and your problems will seem to find a way of resolving themselves.
Always anxious to accept the role of the leader, as indeed you often work well with people - but try to stay out of the limelight. You'd like a life of ease with no one to rock the boat and someone who understands you is so important in your life.
In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence and there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offense, but as matters stand you realize that you will have to make the best of things as they are.
From every direction there appear to be unwarranted restrictions on your freedom of action and this is producing considerable stress. You're really looking for independence and freedom from any restriction and therefore avoiding any obligations or anything which might prove hampering. You are being subjected to considerable pressures and you would like nothing better than to escape from them but you tend to lack the necessary strength of purpose to succeed in this. Whichever way you turn you are being frustrated. You need to be free to do your 'thing' in your own way.
You need to be needed and would like a situation where you will no longer be subjected to pressures and demands from those about you. There is no harm in 'dreaming' but it is you - and only you - that can be able to realize those dreams and to turn them into reality.

Hmm. quite true actually. haha especially with regards to the coming A levels.

Everyone, MUG HARD! =)

2005-09-27T22:22:00.000+08:00

i miss having good results. the last time ive had a taste of getting good results, was like closing 6 years ago, in the MBS Hall, when i collected my PSLE cert. since then, i doubt ive ever seen really spectacular results already, till today, at JC2, right after the preliminary examinations.

getting good results gives you that amazing feeling of achievement, a sound that tells you that your hard work paid off, something that tells you that you're going somewhere good cos you did well. it's also something that you can be proud of, in this extremely results oriented system, where almost every parent u can find, is an elitist.

i wonder how i landed myself into such a plight, where im actually reduced to hoping for a pathetic 45 marks (for an E pass), or even 35 marks (for an AO pass) in every single test or exam. im not trying to boast or anything, but i used to be confident and everything, with people looking up to me cos im academically strong. but now, i see myself looking up to others who really feels way up above me, cos they in turn, are academically strong. i don't know, this might seem very shallow, but i just cant get over it. sigh...

-the next time you say something, think about how people feel. i'm seriously disgusted. i know that you're academically powerful. but that is no reason for y0u to act like "oh!! im so stressed cos people will be expecting gd results from me... i don't have an A!!! i only got a B!!!" kinda sickening shit. you don't have to stress to people time and again how accomplished you are academically, how you're about to be given great opportunities, or how you can do very well in exams. if you're good at studies, be proud of it. don't act in such a subtle yet insulting manner. everyone's gonna think that i'm engaging in some self pity, and i need you to act subtle so i don't end up weeping and crying cos i feel hurt or sth. PLEASE. that won't be needed. i screwed up myself, my results, that's MY problem. i don't actually need someone to take pity in me and reduce himself to some "oh i did well but i betta keep quiet so benny wont feel upset" fakeoshit. when people ask you for help in doing a certain thing, or seek reassurance from you after an examination, you BE NICE and not act like some "oh, i cant believe you're asking me that question, didn't ur bird brain tell you that the question is easy?" asshole, and give that huhwhyyoucannotdo or omgit'ssoeasybutyoucannotdo kinda face. it's SICKENING. fuck. dammit.

WHY? HOW? DID I END UP IN THIS CRAP?!

2005-09-24T22:55:00.000+08:00

How much does it take to brighten up your night?

For me, it takes a 2 hour chat with a friend whom ive not seen for a long time.

Huifen left her house keys at home, and her family was out when she came back home. So she came over to my place, since she stays near. And boy, it's been months since i last saw her. Life for both of us had been hectic, with preparations for common tests and prelims and whatnots, meeting each other at the bus stops were nothing more than hi-byes. For once, i thought i'd lost a friend who used to be really close to me. But no! im so glad we could talk about anything and everything like how we used to do.

And of course, not forgetting dearest pals Tiffany, and Leo. I've come to realise, that some people are more worth your efforts and initiatives than others.

treasure people around, treasure the right people around.

Good luck to the JC1s(esp ATP and other band juniors) for promos, and JC2s(esp AGA) for the coming A levels. =)

2005-09-22T13:48:00.000+08:00

Allow me to love my school(no, not mjc this time...sorry mjc. haha.) again! Found this on LEO's new blog layout, taken using his

i-think-it's-very-good-whatever phone, i think. Oh maan... just look at how the edge of the lake forms the line of symmetry between the buildings and the reflected images on the water surface. Just look at how the lake gives this huge tranquil sensation. I miss studying by the lake, with a light breeze and all. (see the concourse? the left most building that extends into the water) I know we don't have a beautiful, magnificent, extremely humongous campus like what RI and HCI has, but well, this lake is to me, a very beautiful thing. My JC life is ending really soon! and i'm still missing my secondary school days a whole lot. How true, to say that ur secondary school days will be among the most unforgettables in ur life.

Ah this is what happens when i stay at home and rot. Things start getting randomised. I just repacked my entire chemistry file from the mess that i created when studying for prelims. i fried an egg for lunch, sat down for tv, played the piano, cleared up my study table, cleaned my room, and tried everything i could. and this is the last resort. so i blogged. it's nothing blogworthy. So HELLO! to all who're reading this.

2005-09-21T22:04:00.000+08:00

and it's the end of the preliminary examinations! nothing worth rejoicing, but it's one hurdle crossed. the first taste of a full A levels series of papers. hmmm, quite an experience i should say. pretty tiring.

well, im about 6 weeks from now till the actual A levels. and i'm panicking cos i know i'm not gonna perform well for my prelims. i wanted straight Cs, so i could work hard and pull myself up to an A grade in the A levels. but it seems like, it's going to be a much larger leap. i so dun wanna relive the O levels days, where i did marginally worse off than my target. argh!

anyways, i heard chung cheng high school (MAIN) is Band TWO on the honour rolls for the secondary schools, under Special/express. siggh! was on the phone with ms tan, regarding some alumni band staff, and she said the school missed Band 1 very marginally. oh well, how wasted... sigh. but she was one of the 4 schools awarded School Distinction Award, so i guess that's sth to be happy about too.

life's been mundane. so there's really nothin much to update about. maybe i'll end this post with a congratulations note to MJC... for being one of the 8 Academic Value Added Junior Colleges.

Yay! Congrats. =)

-hope xuanwei's feeling better!

2005-09-20T20:19:00.000+08:00

It's finally the last day of the preliminary examinations. Economics papers 1 and 2 were quite a disaster, as the standards of the papers were darn unexpected. sigh.

Biology paper 3 was as usual, studying only accounts for about 20/65 of the paper(ie essay). the rest was just logical deductions. UrgH~

anticipating:
-Biology Paper 1 (Finale!)

then again, it's only the prelims. there's still the A levels. im having this similar sickening feeling, of not wanting to write econs essays again. (just like how i didnt want to write social studies essays after prelims, just didnt wanna repeat it again.) it's sickening writing essays in an exam!

haha okay random. lookin forward to seein my band peepz after the A's. =)

peace out.

2005-09-18T22:53:00.000+08:00

the weekend is over! and i'm all thrown to the last few hours of sunday night, supposedly to meet my next 2 economics papers tomorrow afternoon. but i didnt touch econs at all today. nor yesterday.

well, prelims aside. i'm pretty much excited about performing with tiffany for prom. known her for like so long, but never got to feel how it's like to be her pianist for a song performance. so, we've been trying to choose songs. yes, in the middle of prelims.

had a nice chat with kinlok after work yesterday at popeye's. really nice one. so much crap!

random stuff:
joel tan wun chuan just gave me some empty anticipation thingy that aroused my curiosity, but held it in midair. wasnt fulfilled at all! sickening.

oh well,
gd luck to me for econs tmr!

2005-09-17T12:48:00.000+08:00

im sayin this cos i feel like saying it all of a sudden... I MISS Auntie and Gossiping Association!!

haha, don't worry. i'm not always like that. just... today.

i miss: dawn and siokwei, justin and junyang and rickson, baolun and wenqi, zhenghong and joel and fuquan, juling and peiling, eugene and mengyang...

i so can't wait for A levels to be over! although i'm only halfway thru prelims.

okay, i'm off to the airport to mug Sexual Reproduction in Mammals.

Ooooooooogenesis! Spermatogenesis!

2005-09-16T18:47:00.000+08:00

And so, time really flies. the first week of prelims are over, and i'm about halfway thru prelims already. Hmmm, chemistry paper 2 was quite manageable i thought, except that URGH! I WAS DAMN FREAKING CARELESS. i shoulda drawn the displayed formula of that damn cyclohexene, but I DREW THE CONDENSED FORMULA!!!!!!!! it's 1 damn mark gone. sigh. just when i thought i could do a chem paper for once.

oh well.

Econs paper 3 was COOL. COOL as in cool questions, not being able to answer them is another thing altogether. I thought that the highlight, of the 3 questions i attempted, was this:

Discuss whether price rigidity is typical of product markets. [15]

Yes, that was 15 marks. oh, and i smoked my way thru the essay.

Right, i'm lookin forward to scoring for Bio paper 3 next week! and i hope econs Data Response won't be too difficult.

till then.

Anticipating:
Economics Paper 1
Economics Paper 2
Biology Paper 1
Biology Paper 3
Chemistry Paper 1

2005-09-14T20:37:00.000+08:00

It's the 3rd day of the prelim exams. I've painstakingly braved through Biology Paper 2, Math Paper 1, Chemistry Paper 3 and Math Paper 2.

Chem Paper 3 was kinda bad... sigh.

But on the brighter side of life, there's Math Paper 2 which was fine.

Yay!

Anticipating:
Chemistry Paper 2
Economics Paper 3

Lucks to all! Will catch up soon. :)

2005-09-12T20:05:00.000+08:00

And it's on to the prelim exams. All's well for a start. Bio Paper 2 and Math Paper 1 were smooth sailing, tho maths wasnt THAT easy. Well, i'm hoping against hope to pass math. and i REALLY want that 'C' Grade and above for bio.

Anticipating: Chemistry Paper 3, Maths Paper 2

till then.

2005-09-10T19:43:00.000+08:00

It's been a pretty nice day, feeling a whole lot happier and more light hearted, contrary to my extremely whiny mood 2 nights back. Had chemistry consultation with Ms Choo(my chem tutor) today, and i felt really bad cos she had to live thru the afternoon on a slice of mooncake and a banana. she's so nice, cos she allowed me to share her cab for free, sending me to my grandma's. oh well, chem consultation was pretty fulfilling.

So last night we went to celebrate Zheng Hong's birthday at Genki Sushi, and i shared a table with Kin Lok, Kenny, Yosua, Zheng Yi and Zheng Hong(bdae boy) himself. Haha! cant deny that sitting with these few ATPians was a very interesting experience. they're the crappiest people you can EVER find. shall not rattle on about the details of the dinner, tho i didnt exactly like japanese food. it was really fun talking and laughing away, whilst feeling guilty about not studying cos it's 2 days away from prelims.

On the other table, were sarah, sookun, huikoon, weekiat, xuanwei and donovan. i heard they ate ALOT. haha. so, after dinner we went to take some neoprints, followed by arcade, when some of us sat around and talked our hearts out.

i swear i really wanna have another of those nights after prelims/A levels. it makes me feel slightly more appreciated, in some way.

i should get back to the structure and functions of cell organelles.

"thank you..."

2005-09-09T01:19:00.000+08:00

Okay i've come here against the better of my judgement for a quick post because i'm feeling disappointed. year after year, day after day. ive come to realise that it's not how much you do, but rather what you do, who you are, and what people actually think of you. maybe even how you look. maybe people with disgusting side profiles are meant to be ignored. maybe i'm too noisy. maybe i should just really shut up soon enough. maybe, i'm really not worth everything i ever wanted... i feel like quoting one of my old entries. that's an exact depiction of how i feel now...

[Sometimes, you think that you have a very wide circle of friends, but ultimately, people see you as nothing more than an entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes you think you mean a lot to people around you. But actually, you're nothing more than someone they'll turn to when they need help, someone who'll be there when they're in trouble, someone who will never run out of jokes to and laughter and care and concern, someone who isn't worth something like a present or a surprise.

Sometimes, you yearn for friends who trust you with their innermost secrets, but because of your outgoing, noisy nature, people don't see the trustworthy side of you, and you really become a full time entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes when you feel tired of talking, and you keep quiet, people realise there's something wrong with you and they go "eh how come so quiet" because the "entertainer" in them has gone all quiet and they're not used to it. that's probably cos you're supposed to be the full time entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes, a message from a friend brightens your day up, but the next moment you realise that he didnt really mean it cos he forwarded it for the sake of forwarding it.

Sometimes you talk alot to make people laugh, out of the best of intentions. but when it gets slightly overboard, people see you as the main culprit.]

It's almost stupid to feel this way just days before the preliminary examinations. because it takes me more than the prelims last to get over it. only to realise that hopes don't actually materialise.

=========================

So i heard Maha Bodhi School Concert Band is launching her 10th Anniversary CD on the 11th of November 2005 and there'll be a concert in school. Well, my sister and i were invited to perform, and also to receive the complimentary copy of the CD... but very sadly, my General Paper(paper) for the A LEVEL EXAMINATION falls on that day. I do hope i'll be able to fork out a couple of hours to go back to mbs and perform though. how i miss those days... i think i will. my next paper is Economics on the 15th of November.

all the best for prelims and promos.

think.

2005-09-03T18:27:00.000+08:00

just came back from cchs(m), the alumni band tryout. well, turned out quite okay. sigh, although i shld really be at home studyin for prelims. heh. but i decided to post some random, outdated pictures.

5th May 2005 - The Day of MJCSB's Maiden Glory

Me and Zheng hong at the porch awaiting the bus' arrival.

xuanwei, siok, junyang, dawn, wenqi, me. before SYF in the general office. NERVOUS.

Joel and I, back at home(band room)...Weekiat and I back at band room after SYF
Me and Huikoon at band room after SYF (this pic quite screwed up)
Rickson and I back at the band room after SYF... Me and Rickson and Cheryl and Junyang... =)
Trumpet Section @ Airport celebrating

My everything in these 2 years of JC life. A Levels aside.

MJCSB RAWKS

"Some days are meant to be remembered....

Those days, we rise above the stars...."

I really really really really can't wait for the Genting Trip! =) Shall study really hard for now!

Peace out.

2005-09-01T01:30:00.000+08:00

and so i realised many of my friends went back to their secondary schools for the teacher's day celebrations. come to think of it, i should have woken up earlier and made an effort to go back to cchs. sigh. when i woke up this mornin it was already closing 11... like obviously the celebrations would have already ended by the time i get to school. and all the teachers would prob be somewhere else enjoying high tea already. i felt ALL guilty so i called up mdm yeo (yang lao shi), ms lam and ms tan sek jiau to wish them a happy teacher's day.

Yang lao shi's retiring next january!!! Oh my goodness, i feel even worse now for not even going back for her last teacher's day in cchs. well she's been really stressed out these years cos she's been assigned higher chinese o level classes year after year, and i guess it's really time for her to step down and get some rest already. yang lao shi: "yi1 ri4 wei2 shi1, zhong1 sheng1 wei2 mu3!"

i was just wondering if people will get their deserved retributions for stubbornly making wrong choices in their lives, despite the constant advice from people who really REALLY care(d) for them. well, i guess so. it kinda just happened. don't really know how to feel about it.

To my teachers in CCHS(M): Mr Gan, Mdm Tan, Mdm Yeo, Mrs Lim-Leong, Ms Lam, Ms Tan SJ--thanks for everything! i'll never forget those days. HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY!

To tutors in MJC: Ms Soh, Ms Choo, Mrs Chong, Ms Wong ML--you've all been really worried about our A levels, and working very very hard for us. So, here's a HAPPY TEACHER'S DAY to you! We'll do it for A levels. =)

i should get less whiny and down to really(really) studying for my prelims and A levels. im so not about to screw up my life again...

p.s. check out the new mouseovers of the links! i was bored. so i decided to play around.

2005-08-31T00:41:00.000+08:00

"when you see a new pencil on the rack, will you forget your old one?..."

i hate this. back off... no one understands.

why do i always have to be the one?

it's sickening.

2005-08-25T20:23:00.000+08:00

the skies were grey. he sat outside the mall, crouched into some kind of a foetal position, and buried his head between his knees. "Why?", he kept asking himself. "Why must this always happen?". he stifled his emotions and fought hard against the reality. there he sat for hours and hours, oblivious to the world around him. he was all alone again. he had tried all he could in all he did to be a good companion, thoughtful listener, nice friend, active player. but he was still left alone. scenes of what had happened was all it took for another tear to roll down his cheeks. he knew that he shouldn't be cryin, because his tears were his only companion, only listener, only friend. nobody seemed to know that a stormy sea of emotions was whirling within him. a state of confusion, a feeling of being torn apart. he didn't want all that to happen....really, but would any kind soul hear him out? "it's been so long...give up...," his heart told him. but he didnt want to, no he didnt want to. he knew that everything meant more to him than anyone else. but it was not reciprocated, no it wasn't. "Face it, everyone's like that. you're not getting anywhere with self pity. no one cares. anymore." he was told again. he trembled in fear, at the thought of loss. yes, loss, his worst fear. he needed a shoulder to lean on and cry. but he was never able to cry before others. out they came of the mall, and everything suddenly blurred. no it wasn't the rain. he wiped that tear off his cheek on his sleeve, stood up, and forced a smile. somewhere in there, he was all alone again.

it's useless. it's all useless. what's the point of trying so hard? it'll all be gone once the year 2006 starts. why why why why why can't life be nicer? i don't know myself anymore. sigh.

peed nwod, on eno yllaer srehtob.

2005-08-25T00:17:00.000+08:00

Around the corner I have a friend,
In this great city that has no end,
Yet the days go by and weeks rush on,
And before I know it, a year is gone.

And I never see my old friends face,
For life is a swift and terrible race,
He knows I miss him just as well,
As in the days when I rang his bell.

And he rang mine but we were younger then,
And now we are busy, tired men.
Tired of playing a foolish game,
Tired of trying to make a name.

"Tomorrow" I say! "I will call on Jim,
Just to show that I remember him."
But tomorrow comes and tomorrow goes,
And distance between us grows and grows.

Around the corner, yet miles away,
"Here's a telegram sir," "Jim died today."
And that's what we get and deserve in the end.
Around the corner, a vanished friend.

A little morbid cos it was blew up a little, but yeah, i mean, if we never learn to keep in touch with people, we just lose them along the way. Let's get back to basics. "Roses are red, violets are blue, it's hard to find a friend like you." This little poem nonsense is often seen in our primary school autograph books. At some point in time i remembered feeling that this poem was stupid.

But now, come to think of it, it kinda makes more sense and meaning that the 12 year old me could have thought of.

Let's all learn to treasure people around us. let me not lose friends a second round in life. sigh.

2005-08-16T17:20:00.000+08:00

I was halfway thru my Biochemistry tutorial, when my Windows Media Player played this song. It was a song used during MJC's opening ceremony for the modern dance item, tho then it was a techno remix. I got suddenly (momentarily) motivated by the lyrics of the song, with it's all olympic feel. Indeed, birthday's over, fun's over; and so are the days of O levels when i could get away with tests and exams with last minute studying. I know how much i wanna do well for A levels, and how much i wanna show the world that it doesnt take a genius to do well. I wanna walk out of the MJC hall after my Biology Paper 1 on the 24th of November, at about 9.30am feeling GOOD, feeling happy, feeling satisfied with my performance... I WILL DO IT.

I shall do myself a favour, and i will relive the days when people would look at my result slip and marvel at how well ive done. i will look at the NUS website and worry about which of my favourite courses should i go for(because i'm qualified for too many).

"Band No. 4.... Meridian Junior College.....GOLD."

I'll work hard once again. =) Reach.

REACH

by Gloria Estefan

Some dreams live on in time forever

Those dreams, you want with all your heart

And I'll do whatever it takes

Follow through with the promise I made

Put it all on the line

What I hoped for at last would be mine

If I could reach, higher

Just for one moment touch the sky

From that one moment in my life

I'm gonna be stronger

Know that I've tried my very best

I'd put my spirit to the test

If I could reach

Some days are meant to be remembered

Those days we rise above the stars

So I'll go the distance this time

Seeing more the higher I climb

That the more I believe

All the more that this dream will be mine

If I could reach, higher

Just for one moment touch the sky

From that one moment in my life

I'm gonna be stronger

Know that I've tried my very best

I'd put my spirit to the testIf I could reach

If I could reach, higher

Just for one moment touch the sky

I'm goona be stronger

From that one moment in my life

I'm gonna be so much stronger yes I am

Know that I've tried my very best

I'd put my spirit to the test

If I could reach higher

If I could, if I couldIf I could reachReach, I'd reach, I'd reachI'd reach' I'd reach so much higher

Be stronger...

2005-08-12T00:10:00.000+08:00

This is NOT a post to attract attention. it's part of what 18 year olds should do to show that they're 18. =)

Dearest Benny,

Happy Birthday!

From:
Benny

2005-08-10T23:51:00.000+08:00

i was just exploring the chung cheng high school's (MAIN) alumni website, and saw the updated reports on last month's 66th anniversary celebrations, the one i was coincidentally back in school for iforgotwhat'sthereason. ahah, i suddenly realised i do not have that admirable level of patriotism my current ex-VS schoolmates have. 66th Anniversary was as usual, the dumb parade where all the uniformed groups lined up in files, as a mark of salute for the schools rich history(or something like that). then there would the most boring address by the Principal, followed by the Management Chairman, followed by the Alumni Association Chairman, then there was the never-one-year-missing concert, where the branch(now yishun) school band and all other cultural groups put up some song and dance item, followed by the school song and the giving away of a million and one academic excellence awards. sigh. mind you, i wasnt there on invitation. i was an illegal audience, only to be pushed to the very back of the Grand Auditorium, after all that pride i took in graduating from the school.

bah.

there was a series of pictures that actually caught my eyes on the alumni website. pictures of The Lake Odyssey- put up at the Esplanade Theatre in celebration of the school's 65th Anniversary in 2004. i know this is a highly outdated issue, but i thought i'd just blog about it, since ive run out of stuff to say. i remembered seeing my Chinese HOD sitting at a corner outside MJC's canteen, trying to sell tickets for the performance. being the respectful ex-cchs-councillor, i went over and greeted her politely in chinese, and obviously stood there and had a chat with her about everything ive lost touch with ever since i graduated. and i got the tickets of course, the $36 ones.

and the day of the concert was definitely memorable. looking at my juniors, all of those from performing arts staging a performance of this scale, i can't help but marvel at their efforts. it was an excellent play, depicting the school motto. and the grand finale was one that almost made me cry... with the long banners coming down from the top on both sides of the stage, on them were the school motto written in chinese calligraphy. then came the Band and Choir behind the backdrop, which was reeled up. all the performers came on stage, while the familiar introduction of our school song rang in the theatre. the audience stood up unanimously, and sang along with the choir on stage. pictures of the school from past to present were projected on the screen... memories overwhelmed me...

on my left were my parents(both were from chung cheng), and on my right were a few men in their 50s, in simple white shirts and black trousers. i realised that they were from cchs too, as they could sing the school song loudly and clearly, with more emotions that i was having then. im pretty ashamed to say this, but they seemed to fully understand the school song as they sang it with their heads high, with pride, looking at the school flag on stage.

The Lake Odyssey left me in awe. i remember feeling how much i missed the school while i walked out of the theatre, and as i saw the many ex-students walk out of the theatre wiping tears off their eyes.

jin1 ri4 wo3 yi3 zhong1 zheng4 wei2 rong2, ta1 ri4 zhong1 zheng4 yi3 wo3 wei2 rong2.

i would have typed this entry in chinese if i could... i miss yang lao shi and Secondary 4 Diligence, the very windy and feng-shui-y councourse, the podium, the band room, those walks beside the lake, the old bio labs... everything.

2005-08-06T23:54:00.000+08:00

THIRTY EIGHT days to the long awaited Preliminary Examinations, which, to a mildly optimistic person, means the liberation from the pains of JC life. well, i don't happen to be midly optimistic, for a very basic(no not basic as in acid-base basic) reason. that i'm not prepared AT ALL for the prelims. haha, but nevertheless, im stepping up. Like the media all over the world had already provided coverage for, benny had taken the first step in life by pulling out his million year old, dust covered chemistry ten year series and worked on 2 chapters today.

Bahh.

it really doesnt help to know that all your friends from all other institutions collectively known as "junior colleges" get to go home like as early as 9.30 ? when you're just released from class for RECESS at 9.30, facing a school day that would last for the next 8 or 9 hours, sometimes, 10 or 11 hours. well it definitely doesnt help, as well, to know that your some of your other friends get to go home at 2pm, when 2pm's like your lunch time(which means lessons resume after lunch).

the pulse of my life is settling down on a constant rate, losing it's usual vibrance and colour, tone and interest. MUNDANE is the word i guess. what life! (ms choo: you have no right to demand for a life now.) true i guess, but really, dun mind giving up this bit of life for a more decent A level cert. or prelims results for that matter.

i really miss band. everytime i watch a band perform, memories of my 10 band years come flooding my mind. memories of mbscb, cchsband, mjcsb... and the people.

sigh. i want all these to end.

2005-07-29T20:45:00.000+08:00

and one more academic week zoomed past me, one week closer to my Preliminary Examinations, and in the most pessimistic form of expression, one week lesser for me to do my revision. nothing much has been done since the post mortem, despite my extremely high level of awareness. been rushing tutorials, tutorials, tutorials, and blindly attempting some questions that i always thought i had no problem doing(but turned out otherwise). sigh!

im so gonna whine again. recently i spoke, over dinner, to a friend whom ive not known for a very long time. we've not really had such a nice chat before, so it was a kinda in the spur of a moment thing. i was really kinda surprised at the extent to which we share the same sentiments. almost every scenario, every feeling at every point of time that he described to me sounded familiar. and this only goes further to show that the person who's seemingly happy, noisy, cheerful and outgoing on the outside, could well be the most insecure, unhappy, troubled and sad on the inside.

it's just like a clown~ a clown performs for all of us, does really really really stupid things to make us laugh our evening away. that's because it's in a clown's nature to act stupid for the sake of entertaining his audience. behind that clown's mask, we can really never know how much sorrow there is, how much heartache, how much pain he might have gone through or might be going through. the clown's actions during a performance, is no less a facade than his mask and make-up and costume. people walk out of the performing theatre talking and joking over the clown's hilarious actions and stupid moves. it's remembered as a moment of happiness, but nobody really knows who the clown really is. time and again, the clown appears before different audiences, repeating his same old stupid acts, but never once looking tired. it's become so much of a nature, that whenever he goes on stage, he puts on a smiley face, a strong front, amidst tears that he painstakingly fought back.

at the end of the day, you feel stupid. because u did all u could, went all out, felt tired. everyone else feels happy, but you don't. they feel happy because you made them laugh. and everytime they see you, they assume a bubbly appearance would be coming from u, that is probably made up. but they don't know, and they don't care how insecure you are. they do things without considering your feelings just because you didnt say it out, for you care about how the whole group feels and will go to any extent to prevent any form of unhappiness.

but one day, you act a little differently from your "usual" behaviour, like suddenly keep quiet or something cos you really feel like settling down for once, people think you're seeking attention.

feels like an obligation to remain a clown for life, and everytime u see an audience, you must put up a brave front.

okay i sound whiny enough... sometimes it's really sickening to know that you feel this way. not that you wanted it, but yeah, it just comes and never goes.

Preliminary ExaminationS i love you. Hooray!

ok fine... peace out.

Long gone, the comfort i had before.
Never knew i would feel this way... sigh.
It really makes me vulnerable.

2005-07-25T23:35:00.000+08:00

oh FUCK. fine. ignorant. ignorant. that's what people assume others to be. that's what everyone assumes me to be. u know one of those times where u go up asking ur friend how's he/she feeling and all? like

"hey, how come u so sad... why leh?"

and all? when ur own mood's already halfway off it's optimum? but you still keep that upset side of u to urself and muster up enough happiness to look happy enough to care for ur friend?

and here's what you get:

"nothing lah. u wont understand... hai."

"never mind...i'm ok. ha. ha."

"haiz.... long story.... but im not about to tell u... never mind me."

"i'm ok."

"sad? got meh? dun assume."

right, WHATEVER alright. so i'm some 3 year old kid who's not up to ur intellectual capacity to understand what you're goin thru ? im not really obliged to squeeze up my last bit of good mood to try to cheer u up okay, and i do so because i really care. so if you're about to take that for granted, so be it. oh! i forgot, im sorry. you didnt take it for granted. all u thought was just that "benny's not going to understand what im goin thru, so why tell him?"

never ever make a friend feel stupid. you either share ur woes with a friend who cared, or dun give that sulky face all day long and drag everyone into unknown depression.

just how much does it take?!

2005-07-22T21:07:00.000+08:00

Been quite a few days since i last wrote an entry! and so since it's the beginning of a fruitful weekend (ie a friday night), i thought i'd just drop by blogspot.com to do an update. well technically speaking, i should be burying myself into structure of the placenta, the mammalian menstrual cycle, flowering plants, numerical methods, macroeconomic policies and problems, and perhaps biochemistry. but well, a little rest aint detrimental to my revision schedule...yeah right. denial.

it's been a torturing few days, trying to keep up with tutorials and the revision schedule at the same time, which apparently is not workin out for me. as the whole world gets hyped up about the nearing GCE 'A' Level examinations, i'm beginning to feel the pressure on me to really start studying. sigh. i seriously need to realise that my life, yes my whole life's gonna probably be affected by this very A level results. but as always, no amount of awareness seems to be able to overthrow procrastination.

But this is what ms choo(my temporary civics tutor) wrote on my mid yr result report: Benny is a sensible young man who has a positive work attitude. He now needs to intensify his efforts, consolidate his learning and reprioritise to spend his time more wisely. He has the potential to excel and must now find it within himself to make that commitment to work towards success.

What a nice way to put things! she made it sound like there's still hope. maybe there is... yup. there is, as long as i put in a bit of effort everyday to step up my revision. =)

ive kinda run out of things to blog about already. maybe i should turn into A levels mode and go into a hiatus like what all my seniors seem to have done during their A levels period.

sometimes it's really amazing how a god given thing like "feelings" let human beings enjoy the many many moments of happiness in life, making life so much more meaningful. but it's also this very same thing, "feelings", that seems to be the reason for human beings' emotional suffering, and ultimate pain and misery. who said life doesn't turn out to be like tv serials? it's almost as dramatic, i.m.o... interesting how life becomes drama-mama.

i hope a junior of mine's feeling alright from all that depression.

i hope fabian's feeling better now... he must be really stressed out by everything from mid yrs to council to band to class.

"Band Number 4.......Meridian Junior College......GOLD!"

Work hard, benny.

g

2005-07-17T16:05:00.000+08:00

I just watched this short movie on channel 8 acted by some local actors, Angel Heart, as sponsored by the Spastic Children Association School (SCAS), neighbour of MJC.

The story was about this couple who were florists and they gave birth to a daughter who had a heart defect at birth, and a son who was autistic due to lack of oxygen in the brain at birth. Storyline progressed, showing how they lived together as a happy family, and the older sister An-an, taking care of the autistic younger brother Cheng-cheng, who was psychologically behind other kids of his age.

There were chances that An-an's heart defect would recover on its own as she grew up, but it didnt. One day at school, some of her classmates made fun of her brother and in a fit of anger, she ran and chased them, wanting to stand up for her brother. She felt uncomfortable, as her heartbeat became highly irregular. A week or so later, she followed her father to the hospital to deliver a bouquet of flowers to a customer, where she caught a very high fever. At night, she started panting profusely, and the fever never subsided. She was admitted into A&E. Her heart dilation problem worsened. She required a heart transplant within 72 hours, or she could die of heart failure. But donors were rare... Her parents were devastated.

Cheng cheng, on the very same day her sister was admitted into the hospital, ran out of the house on his little tricycle, without the usual supervision from her sister. At the stairway, his tricycle rolled down the stairs. In a state of anxiety, he tripped over the first step, and rolled down the stairs as well. His head hit the ground; it was a very very bad hit. Cheng cheng went into a state of coma, as the blood clot was buried deep within his cerebral hemisphere, and an operation to remove it would mean a success rate of less than 10%.

The scene where the mother was between her two children on the ICU beds was very very depressing. She was crying SO badly, faced with a situation of having both children born with defects, and facing with the decision to give up Cheng cheng to use his heart for transplant onto An an.

That was what they did eventually, on the 2nd day, when An an's situation got very very bad and Cheng cheng's ECG registered a sudden low in the heart rate.

Of course, during the show there were many events that occured to strengthen the story line but it'll be too difficult to type them all here. Man, i almost cried watching that show. I put myself into the parents' shoes, and tried to imagine how i would have felt if i were the father or the mother at that very point in time. They blamed nobody except themselves for bringing the 2 children into this world, for inflicting such pain and unhappiness on them. They never regretted givin birth to them, but were afraid that the cheng and an would hold it against their parents.

One of the last few scenes was the couple preparing a little flower basket and laying the coffin with flowers, and a balloon full of Cheng cheng's pictures, preparing the death bed for their beloved son. The mother looked so tired and sad, crying silently to herself. It must have been really really painful, to prepare your child's death bed. Can you just IMAGINE that? i can't.. it's too difficult to.

From these, ive seen how precious children can be to their parents; how the parents live in much much more agony when children are injured or unwell; how painful and devastating it is when faced with a decision to give up one child to save the other; how much parents go all out to love their children. I kinda got THAT close to how our parents feel when we're injured or ill. It's really very very strong, i should say, but we seldom notice it because they don't show it. They need to be there to calm us down and tell us that it's alright, when they're probably 1 million times more anxious and worried than us. They'd definitely hope that the person injured or in bed are themselves instead of us.

Love our parents more, while we still can. And let's all be happier about life, cos we're mostly not born with serious birth defects, and we've got loving parents, and we've got a school to study in, and we own many things that perhaps many people in different unseen corners of even Singapore will never even get to own in their lives.

Love, such a wonderful thing. Be it parental love, family love, or mutual love between people, it always seems to be the best thing given to human beings. but it's also always the thing that creates misery and pain that're often unbearable.

------------------------------------

And yesterday i was supposed to help out with the re designing of the notice board, but to no avail again. went to parkway to hang around with jus&koon and xuanwei, and i SO GOT TEMPTED to buy Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, but sometimes the plight of ur wallet just does not allow u to do what u want. after hk and xw left, justin said he was bored and so we went for a tour in CCHS again. ive been going back so many times, each time bringing people to tour the school, that i got reminded of the days where i brought those excited parents on a campus tour. sigh! those were the days.

anyway, i think justin got kinda fascinated by all those stuff in the old CCA block, as always. and he said "oh my god" just the way huikoon said it when she was there. uncanny resemblance, and amazing how distance between people can create similarities. yea but i think he was less freaked out then hk was.

great. this entry is LONG enough. till again. peace out.

2005-07-14T22:56:00.000+08:00

I picked myself up from everything people left me with last year. i told myself i wanted nothing of that to happen again because i needed to feel happier in school.

i tried. and i tried. and i tried.

but i failed, terribly. again.

"Feel happier..."
"Don't be so upset lah..."
"Talk to me if you need to..."
"Cheer up!..."

how much more stupid can these phrases get? don't even try saying them to a friend. because you're seen as ignorant, and lousy, and nonsensical. you don't know what's going on. you try to act smart, and you end up feeling all stupid.

and YES, you ARE ignorant. because half the time you don't know that everything is nothing but a pack of lies.

if you ever take pride or pleasure in making someone else feeling worse off, think again. in simple english, this is being extremely selfish, inconsiderate, unthoughtful and harmful.

quit trying... it's useless.

2005-07-13T17:07:00.000+08:00

2 seats away.

Emptiness, the feeling,my heart will hold.
Like a pail without water,a house without a soul.

This is a poem writing of my pain,
a person living this life in vain.
I'm your son hiding my depression,
your brother making a good impression.
I'm your friend looking like i'm fine,
but a wisher wishing life now weren't mine.
I am a boy who wants to fly,
a teenager pushing tears aside.
I'm a student who doesn't have a clue,
your good friend who wants to sit next to you.
I'm the one asking you to care,
your best friend hoping you'll be there...

time and again things HAVE to turn out this way.

2005-07-12T23:01:00.000+08:00

I was halfway through my November 2002 Biology paper when i decided to take a break. happened to see that CD tucked away in the sleeve of my organiser for a long long time. it was labelled "Band SYF 2005", and i remembered somewhere in time mr kelvin tan passed it to me.

it was a collection of pictures taken by the college photography club on the day of the presentation of our SYF pieces to the school. there were pictures of the whole band, some sections, some group photos and some soloists.

this picture brought back so much memories, again, like how the sodium ions rush into the axoplasm when the gated sodium channels are open during depolarisation. was all so fast. so i sat down and read my blog archives of january this year, the post 2 days after Juxtapose! and i saw yet more pictures. i smiled to myself as memories got pieced together in my mind. it was all so enjoyable, fun, beautiful, magical. what would life in mjc have been without these people? without trumpet section, without the exco, without AGA.

time flies really quickly. (damn i feel so handicapped. if only i can blog in chinese!) i yearn for nothing, except that we'll spend our very last moment in our jc life together, in Genting! i really hope everyone's going.

it's amazing how a little thing like that made my night ten times happier.

thanks.

2005-07-12T00:26:00.000+08:00

Somewhere back in memory i heard some story about the candle.

Ever wondered how a candle feels?

Isn't it painful, with that fire burning it's body away into dripping wax, light, heat and nothingness?

It's manufactured to perform this function so i think it doesn't mind being burnt.

But how many of us will understand how the candle feels after it's burnt out? Lost? useless? unappreciated? weak? inferior. because when the candle burns out, the light bulb takes over. and how will a candle compare to a light bulb in terms of brightness...

Like a precious diamond when they needed you.
But nothing more than a speck of dust when they no longer need you anymore...

Everytime it happens, i feel the same way.

2005-07-09T22:35:00.000+08:00

I'm feeling a mixture of melancholia and sadness now, for whatever reason.

===============

There was this once, Little Ben walked into this toy store and saw a really really nice toy car. It had really beautiful wheels and nice blue doors. Little Ben was never interested in toy cars, but this toy car was really nice. Little Ben wanted it so much! Then the price tag caught his eye, and it said "$15.00". He set his mind on buying that toy car and so he reached into his pocket for the week's pocket money; his heart thumping against the material of his school uniform, part of him praying hard that he'd have enough money to afford that toy car. He was prepared to forgo lunch for the week just to get that toy car.

Just then, Little John came into the shop. Little John was Little Ben's schoolmate, and he was tall, good looking, popular, and most of all, rich. That gorgeous toy car obviously caught Little John's attention too. And so Little John stood looking at the toy car. In less than 5 minutes, Little John called for the shop assistant, paid a 20 dollar bill as if he had an abundance of 20 dollar bills, and walked out of the shop with that toy car happily. Stout Little Ben stood rooted to the ground, filled with jealousy, holding $9.60 in his right hand, watching Little John leave the shop. His left hand was desperately digging into his pocket for more shillings, but to no avail. Little Ben fixed his eyes on the rack again, after Little John disappeared from sight.

But the toy car was no longer there.

"He's bought the last one already! We only had 15 of this limited edition toy car. So you might want to look at other toy cars, my boy?", says the shop assistant.

But Little Ben knows that he'll never like other toy cars anymore.

===============

Sometimes you just don't get the better things in life... but everything's not going well for me. They say, once you've reached the worst part of ur life, it can go no where but upwards. Theoretically speaking this IS sound. but it's the length of the down part of your life that matters.I look back at my life, and i realised that ive accomplished nothing at all. I've never been able to rule a department well, learn music properly, explain things well, lead a life without lies, make good friends, get good grades, perform my duties well, sing, draw, be a good listener, be a responsible councillor. NOTHING at all. I've felt inferior and lousy all my life. I know it's bad but i just can't seem to do anything about it. I cant even organise my thoughts properly and talk to people i wanna talk to. I blabber nonsense like some unserious asshole. So nobody will trust me for the rest of my life. I want to help, but i'm always blamed for helping wrongly.

How many of you really know what i've gone thru in in my teenage years?

All the best for Parent Teacher Meeting. smile.

2005-07-08T22:32:00.000+08:00

And it's my first day back at school after the 2 day MC, all's well and no signs of running a temperature, though i still have a slight eye ache around the ciliary muscles area. sigh. i'm glad it's not developing into any more post secondary symptoms of viral infection. and i certainly hope that im excused from the blood test already.

sat thru for the last hour of mjcsb's first rehearsal after the mid yr examinations and i thought "Noah's Ark" didnt really turn out that bad, considering the fact that they've had nothing but books and lecture notes for the past 3 weeks or so. i see the leaders trying their very best to keep the band together and getting everything started and going. not an easy job, i would say... so all the best to them =)

i realised that there are certain things, once they're gone, they're really gone. no matter how hard you try to get it back, how much effort you put in to salvage the situation, how often u try to re-enact the scenarios, how far you go to try to relive that kind of feeling and emotion, it will be to no avail. because people change, and people meet new people at different points of their lives. and at every point of their life, they feel strongly for different groups of people. and everytime they move to to a next point, it seems difficult to feel similarly strongly for the previous group of people. i wonder if life works this way... nevertheless, there's still a part of me that believes in something called initiative, and that initiative will keep people together.

these thoughts were really random... as i'm reduced to nothing but one who grumbles all day long about everything and anything. hmmm i shall quote somethin from my previous blog someday and expand on it. but it all seems so meaningless now...

New Skin

2005-07-07T20:00:00.000+08:00

It seems like new skins are on the hot now... heh, so i decided to change my 1000 yr old skin. this new one's a little simpler compared to the previous one. frankly speaking, i dun exactly LIKE this skin, probably cos i'm so used to the old one. but yeah, nothing new comes if the old doesnt go. quite nice for a change.

hope u guys will like it. =)

2005-07-05T20:17:00.000+08:00

It's been a few days since i last typed an entry after the exams... so i thought i should do some updating, the tagboard's losing life!

I've been kinda ill ever since the chemistry and the maths papers on tuesday, having consistent eye aches and intermittent fevers. And so the doctor says "Benny, all you need is a good rest. let's see... you shall take the next 2 days off from school and sleep well at home. Let's all hope that this is a common viral fever, cos if you still feel too weak or tired to do anything after 2 full days of rest, then it's not so good....might require some blood test."

My goodness. BLOOD TEST. It's been so long since i last heard these 2 words. (recalling Dengue fever in primary 1). I remember vividly how that Tan Tock Seng doctor would threaten to put me on drips if i continued throwing out everything ive taken in; how the nurse would force me to eat fruit jelly cos i was too weak to eat anything else; how i broke the thermometer in the middle of the night cos my arm was too powerless to hold it in place; how i wished i could sleep and never wake up again cos it's SO painful... sigh. pray hard that it's not another one of those.

And the mid yr results are dashing at us with great force, like how the sodium ions would rush into the axoplasm during depolarisation, when the gated sodium channels open. Sadly, my seemingly (or self presumed) "best subject" which happens to spell B-I-O-L-O-G-Y, came back to me with nothing more than disapppointment. at least for paper 2. sigh~ and for chemistry and mathematics, it's almost hopeless i guess. Thankfully, something saved me from suicidal thoughts and that was Economics Paper 1 with a marked score of 25/30! **confetti*

and so, i spent my weekend fruitfully(ok not exactly) with some of the year 1s at suntec+marina. wasted time at swensens and had a whooping great time reliving my DDR days, only to realise how much stamina i've lost and how much i've deproved! i actually felt like puking after the 1st game, and had almost no energy to carry on playing. argh! i'm getting old. pictures soon to be posted, as long as i get them from huikoon.

and the wonderful youth day holiday was spent with my fellow, dearest yr 2 bandits. rickson, junyang, baolun, justin, juling and zheng hong! we had lunch at the marina square foodcourt, followed by games of pool and bowling at the newly developed entertainment storey @ marina. all that was followed by "Batman Begins", which happened to be quite a nice movie, apart from the fact that it had a really really long introduction. anyway, it was a really really fun day out. i wonder when's the next time we're gonna have an opportunity to go out like that again, throwing everything behind us and totally enjoying ourselves... sigh~

The five guys at the outing... from left to right: me, zheng hong, rickson, jun yang, justin...

And now with the girls Baolun and Juling in...

And this marks the start of a new school term, the end of long sleeps and periods of rest, the end of enjoyment. Term 3's gonna be the final lap to run before we arrive at the ultimate A levels. im definitely glad i've met these people in these 2 yrs of torturous education life... they've reduced the misery i would have faced.

Thank you...

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Attention CCHSM Band Alumni: Pls do check http://cchsmalumniband.squarespace.com for updates on the first Alumni band meeting... as updated by Cheng Xi. =)

2005-07-01T20:22:00.000+08:00

And the war cries are over once again, and all you are left to hear, is the sound of the dead. Soldier Benny braves through the war, suffering from major burns and cuts.

I'll probably get the worse results for this mid yr exams, as compared to my march block tests, promotional exams and jc1 mid yrs. Shall not elaborate more, since it's all over... the hectic examinations season ended with Economics Paper 1 for me this afternoon. Finally, i do not have to sit in that cold college hall with my wind breaker, trying to force things out of my brain anymore. As it is, i'm already sick enough.

Oh well, i'm goin to sch tomorrow to help out with the notice boards, and after that im goin out to SUNTEC... miss DDR and those days. sigh~

peace out. check back again.

2005-06-26T01:38:00.000+08:00

Sometimes, you look at a person and you feel that you want to be better friends with him/her.

Sometimes, you feel close to a person, but to him/her the feeling is not even close to mutual.

Sometimes, you're in an event where you have to live with a group of people over a period of time, and you'll want to be the noisy, proactive one who goes around livening everything up. you make a total fool of urself and you try to crack hilarious jokes, act stupid and put up momentary happiness for your group. but at the end of the day, everyone else gets bonded, except you.

Sometimes, people do things like hang out together, and they leave you out. and they say they forgot. but "forgetting" shows how much you really mean to them.

Sometimes people say "hey are you alright, why're u looking so sad", but the next moment they're off having fun, probably forgetting the fact that you're unhappy.

Sometimes, you see a friend in need of something, but you just don't know what. and when you attempt to give him something, you get it all wrong. and your friendship blows, leaving you feeling all stupid.

Sometimes, you think that you have a very wide circle of friends, but ultimately, people see you as nothing more than an entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes, you yearn for friends who trust you with their innermost secrets, but because of your outgoing, noisy nature, people don't see the trustworthy side of you, and you really become a full time entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes when you feel tired of talking, and you keep quiet, people realise there's something wrong with you and they go "eh how come so quiet" because the "entertainer" in them has gone all quiet and they're not used to it. that's probably cos you're supposed to be the full time entertainer. a second choice. or maybe a last resort.

Sometimes, a message from a friend brightens your day up, but the next moment you realise that he didnt really mean it cos he forwarded it for the sake of forwarding it.

Sometimes you talk alot to make people laugh, out of the best of intentions. but when it gets slightly overboard, people see you as the main culprit.

Sometimes, you just feel that something like "friendship" is never real, but rather always superficial. because friends do not always respond to your calls and requests as spontaneously as ur mother or father or sister would.

Sometimes you wanna say something very very much, but you just cannot because you know that not saying it would leave the situation or person involved in a position much better off.

Sometimes, you want to hide in the room and cry out loud, but when the room door is locked up and you're all ready to cry, you just feel this sickening sensation that sends you hanging in between crying and not crying.

Sometimes you just know that people are better off with others instead of you, and you feel painfully upset about that. but you never want to do anything cos you just feel inferior.

Sometimes the pain becomes so unbearable...and you wanna call for help. But what recurs in ur thoughts is "Who will care?...", and you scroll down ur phone book aimlessly, meaninglessly.

Yeah, who will care, anyway?

Good luck for your Mid yr exams.

2005-06-18T23:42:00.000+08:00

ah. i thought i should just blog about mjcsb's second farewell bbq yesterday... was a lil too tired to post last night. so here goes..

First of all, three cheers for the Executive Committee 2005-2006 cos they've put in a GREAT DEAL of effort in planning this awesome farewell gathering... it was definitely a great success. oh, and not forgetting the really really sweet Certificate of Honorary Mention.. wow! haha.

shall not fill in the nitty gritty details of the whole bbq... apart from the very nicely barbequed food, i had a great time talking and gossiping with AGA (again) as well as the juniors.. felt kinda sad cos it's like we wont really have many of such chances to do this again.. no more excuses to stay out late cos of band pracs, no more hang-outs cos i'll need to spend time on preparing for the dreaded A levels... no more daily dosage of "bunnyhorse! you dun act cute ah!" from ms sia, no more "exco! meeting now ah.. hurry hurry, inside!" from joel... sigh!

then again, all good things must come to an end. [and bad things never seem to end that quickly]

an attempt to do a quick memory flashback now would give the following:
-"Band Number 4.... Meridian Junior College.... GOLD!"
-"YAY!!!!!! WAHHHHHHHH!!!!!" *hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*
-"Eh dance lah! please...?! ok if i guess your chinese name correctly you dance ok?" -huikoon
-"Nonsense lah!... *bish, smack your face"-sarah
-"Aiya die lah, see liao(die already) this time..AC only got gold! how how.."-siok wei
-"Eh, practise circle of fourths now ok?..u play with me.. ready.. 1...2...3...4..." -dawn
-"If you all find it funny, you all can jolly well get out of this room!" -justin
-"Ah.. no lah no lah! (sacarstically)" -rickson
-"....make me lose my breast" -jun yang on some song
-"wah... sss.... stress..." -xuanwei
-"Last night.... while we were all asleep... russel see-toh was murdered........disembodied kidney..."-joel on dial m for murder game briefing
-"Russel see-toh.. isit from F maths?"-zheng hong
-"Thanks lah." -kin lok
-"Or either way, we can play a mystery solving kind of game?" -fuquan during band camp preparation meeting
-"Juxtapose will be a successful concert.." -weejuay
-"Gold with honours lah! why gold only?"-vincent wang on our first exco meeting, when listing the goals of the band

these are jus some random thoughts that happened to show up now. obviously, if i were to list every bit of my memory blogspot would prob have to shut down cos of lack of server space. would try to do so tho, sometime after mid yr exams. a tribute to everyone in the band, again. a longer, more serious one to show my appreciation.

anyway, just before i sign off, would wanna thank junyang for his really really sweet gift. and poor xuanwei, who had to do stuff for all of us in the section. the badge thing he gave us was really really really really really really nice. it's simple, meaningful but brought back EVERYTHING in my memory. haha! i think ive understood what my art teacher in sec 2 used to say... "simplicity takes on the most sophisticated form of wonder". true, and thanks to xuanwei. you're such a nice junior...

anticipating: mid yr exams.

3 cheers to the current exco again~ =D the band's in good hands.

2005-06-14T22:38:00.000+08:00

it's been so long since i last got that sickening feeling. not exactly sickening... rather, annoying.

"hey benny... can i ask u something?..."

"yeah?"

"oh... erm... hmmm..... hey hang on."

---MOMENTS---

"oh haha! benny, yeah i think it's ok. dun need to ask already. thanks..."

no i'm not trying to get this at anyone, but it's just really annoying when this happens. it's one of those situations where u really anticipated something, but it turned out to be NOTHING at all.

ah, shall not elaborate. yeah.

2005-06-12T15:05:00.000+08:00

Memories... =)

haha i randomly put my secondary school song. come to think of it, after not singing for like 1 year odd, it really sounds nice...

2005-06-07T09:31:00.000+08:00

just came back from cchs band camp, and yeap. was supposedly going to sleep cos i lost sleep for the entire night. was talkin to long lost lianwei, quanming and chun kiat... oh well, but decided to do some blog reading instead, and read thru XUAN WEI'S, HUI KOON'S, SOO KUN'S, and WEE KIAT'S blogs, all describing the adventure-filled yesterday. so i thought i shall dedicate my thoughts as well...!

woot. yesterday, xuanwei, huikoon and sookun actually skipped lectures in the afternoon just for the seemingly long-anticipated "School Tour Series". was so exciting, as we started off from MJC and headed for TKGS. the walk in TKGS was so darn cool, cos the entire campus just feels so "demure & resolute", tho on the contrary to certain girls she produces (eg huikoon). seriously, the campus is basically centered on the Circular Block with loads and loads of rooms including the library, band room, music rooms, and ms sia's band office(Wow). oh, and the "old oak doors", as xuanwei puts it, as well as the red doormats outside every entrance/door makes the school look really really classy and elegant. also, the million and one pianos placed all over the place makes the school feel really pleasant, musical, and art-oriented. hah! everything was cool about TKGS, except that weird "i shouldnt be here" feeling, probably due to the strong oestrogen/progesterone presence. haha! TKGS Spirit~

and next was my dearest alma mater--CCHSM. weekiat joined us and we walked the long route into the estate, where my school is situated. they were generally awed by the magnificent presence of the campus and all the buildings, esp the admin block, as i brought them on a tour around the detention gallery, the offices, archive, grandstand, conference rooms. then, i briefly brought them through the technical block and the canteen+hall block, followed by the old classroom block. lastly, as huikoon has described it, the highlight of the tour in cchsm was the old CCA block. i brought them to the old deserted bio lab where the specimens were, and where the bats inhabited. 1 hour, we took. hah. shall not ring on and on cos it's pointless...the tour made me realise how much i've missed all this while in jc... sigh~ Today, you are proud of Chung Cheng. Tomorrow, Chung Cheng will be proud of you. but we have a good balance of yin and yang tho. =D

lastly, at like really really evening time, we went to visit Victoria School, henceforth referred to as VS. obviously, the guides for the VS tour were xuanwei and weekiat. it felt less uncomfortable cos it's like a testosterone inhabited school. the grand foyer was really small but magnificent, and the walk below the foyer was like some hotel lobby, really cool. but the beauty of the campus lies within the hidden architecture. my first impression was--"HOGWARTS". Stairs and connectors, pathways and corridors are EVERYWHERE and ANYWHERE. the hall built at some unexpected place, making it look ultra ultra cool. and there are LIFTS mind you. the sea view from the classrooms at the 7th story were magnificent. and the coolest is that long pond thing that runs in the spine of the campus. deep within the heart of VS. haha. (i sound like im the designer trying to promote it). it was overwhelming, so much so that i really cant recall how it all went. my reactions to the campus was just spontaneous. oh, one more thing i remember. storey 5 assembly plaza-- Nil Sine Labore.

but nothing was thrilling until the end, as all movies are. we were locked up inside the campus, and the ground floor was so near yet so far. we were just one flight of stairs away from the ground. but the shutter was down, exactly at 7pm. and then we actually had to jump off the parapet at the stairway like about 2+ metres high. hah~ i conquered it, despite initial fears of shattering bones. never in my life, ive done anything of this sort cos cchs was never locked until the caretaker goes around checking for remaining souls. and so did huikoon and sookun and weekiat and xuanwei, they all jumped off the parapet. nothing to xuanwei i guess, he's such an experienced victorian. minor abrasions on my cheek. dah~

and so that ended the "School Tour Series" of this Marine Parade-Katong area secondary schools. was really fun and exciting, literally. got to learn so much more bout each other's schools. a kind of bonding i guess? a step towards making closer friends, sharing pieces of our memories with everyone.. wouldnt mind having it again, be it touring the same schools or not. heh.

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ah, good things don't come alone. i had to end up climbing the school gate to get into cchs in the middle of the nite last night cos we sneaked out for supper and came back only to face the LOCKED school gate, and the teacher in charge fast asleep. ;D that's climbing across or over stuff twice in a day.

I hope xuanwei, huikoon, sookun and weekiat had fun. cos i did.

Check back.

2005-05-24T22:48:00.000+08:00

Differences. It is amazing, how a group of people being together can cause so much happiness and team spirit, fun and laughter, strength and unity, and most of all, identity. At the same time, it’s also amazing how doing so, could make an individual feel so out of place, and realize that he/she is different from the rest of the group in many ways; or rather, realize that he/she does not actually belong to that group at all.

At 18, you ought to know who are people you can keep for life, share secrets with, call up whenever you feel like it, go home together with, and hang out for dinner with and more. Basically, a person called your friend. I wont use the phrase "true friend" here cos it carries with it a touch of nonage in me. From primary school to secondary school, and now to JC, very very sadly, I have yet to find anyone like that, and I wonder why. Everytime I hear people around me talk about meeting their secondary school cliques for dinner, for shopping, for movie and stuff like that, there’s always this huge sense of jealousy. And I will start asking myself why do I always fail to foster such close friendships with anyone?

All my life, Ive been trying to establish myself as an outgoing person, one whos able to interact and speak effectively. And all my life, people laugh because of my jokes, my stupid actions, my laughter, my self-degradation. All my life, people feel comfortable with me, but never find my company a real need. All my life, people love to see me sing and dance and act dumb, but its all for leisure purposes. All my life, I put on a façade that everyone sees, but NONE of the people in my life bother to find out what’s behind it. All my life, Ive been trying to make the best of friends ever, but everyone else seems to have his own best of friends already.

Perhaps, all my life, people see me as an extremely insincere, only-know-how-to-talk-and-play, dunno-how-to-be-serious asshole, who is free of problems, and whos full time job is to make them laugh whenever needed. Perhaps, all my life, people found me extremely irritating and unbearable and stupid and gay.

And people like to say "Hey! We are/Im always here for you!" but every time they finish saying that, they turn away. And at that very moment that you need him/her, they’re always not there. But when I say it, I mean it. The only fault lies in that I do not give people the kind of trustworthy feeling. RIGHT?

I do not fascinate walking around the blank campus every time I have a free period, recess period or lunch period. Because it reminds me of how hard I need to try to find company. Half the time everyone is with everyone else, except me. I wonder, and walk off, often deciding to spend the period alone. Alone. How sad.

Why does it always have to be me? Won’t anyone call me up and go "Benny do you wan to go for lunch with me/us later?"; "Benny, eh meet us at 2 later okay. We going out for lunch"; "Benny… do you have time now…? Sigh… Im really upset…"

It always turns out to be "Eh benny, xxx dun wan to come with me already lah... why don't you come with me?" "Eh please go with me leh... xxx played me out... now i got no one to go with.. so ask you lor..." Makes me sound like some second choice thing.

I know Ive "made a difference" in people's lives-quoting anyone who’s said it before. But I guess it’s more of a "decoration", rather than a difference. It’s like benny was once in my life and he's really really funny.' And nothing else. Nothing. Nothing else worth remembering, nothing like "Benny is my friend, a person worth trusting and nice to be with."

Do I continue laughing and smiling and acting stupid from day to day?

No one cares, really.

You know this feeling of FAILURE? That is it.

In the end, after all the rounds of happiness shared and times spent together, I bond people up, leaving myself behind, all alone, ready to bond the next group of people up.

Why?.........

"Tell me, and i'll walk away... i'll turn around and walk away and never be there again. i'll find ways to entertain myself. i'll try to maintain a smile... "

2005-05-23T18:56:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: August 12

Being born on the 12th day of the month (3 energy) is likely to add a good bit of vitality to your life.

The energy of 3 allows you bounce back rapidly from setbacks, physical or mental.

There is a restlessness in your nature, but you seem to be able to portray an easygoing, sometimes "couldn't care less" attitude.

You have a natural ability to express yourself in public, and you always make a very good impression.

Good with words, you excel in writing, speaking, and possibly singing.

You are energetic and always a good conversationalist.

You have a keen imagination, but you tend to scatter your energies and become involved with too may superficial matters.

Your mind is practical and rational despite this tendency to jump about.

You are affectionate and loving - but very sensitive.

You are subject to rapid ups and downs.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

Like how many of you think that this is true for me? I think it's about 80-90% true. Esp the "subject to rapid ups and downs" part. Sigh.

2005-05-22T01:24:00.000+08:00

Sigh. im currently feeling worse off than ever.

why do we only learn to treasure things whenver we're about to lose it?

"i want a time turner."-quotes justin.

So do i....

2005-05-19T21:10:00.000+08:00

It's been another huge gap, since i last typed an entry here after SYF. life these 2 weeks has been really really hectic, trying to catch up with the piles of tutorials that accumulated over the band practice days then. apparently, to no avail.

been feeling lots of ups and downs after the huge emotional peak at the SYF results ceremony. mudane as life is, these 2 weeks have been filled with my last duties in the Band Executive Committee, mainly selecting the new leaders of the band and handing down. Also, paying for the much anticipated(hopefully) prom night at the end of the year, paying for A level exam fees etc etc.

Ever seen a friend who's in great disappointment/misery/pain/heartache/sadness, but you could do nothing to help? I believe it's a scenario quite widely experienced by many of us. It's ironic isn't it, how this whole friend thing works. It's like, he/she's feeling really upset, probably crying. and being a friend,or so, the first thing you'd do is go "Hey.. don't cry lah... hmm.. dun be so upset.." and she continues crying, even harder. Really, what roles should a friend play in your life? Is a friend someone who should wait for you after school everyday and hang out with you, study with you and stuff?

sigh. im running out of things to say. i've really lost my ability to think deeply into an issue and comment on it with a considerable level(though not excellent) of language. too much science i guess.

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Read many's blogs and realised that many of them mentioned bout ending band life and stuff, so i thought i'd put in what i think here as well.

Primary 3 then, i was filling up my CCA participation form. And i chose band, without knowing exactly wad was it. And there, i'm stuck to band for the next 8 years or so of my life. This year would've been my 10th year playing in the band. And it's all gonna end for now, for 2 years odd, at least.

It all seemed like yesterday, when i first attended MJCSB's tune in, and saw ms sia and played Rhapsody for Hanukkah for my audition to play for Meridian Revelry; when i first read Emma's sms that went "hey! there's band practice tomorrow for concert, please attend! 9am. cya!"; when i first met dawn and rickson and justin; when i first put on my MJCSB Band Tee; when i first met siok wei after 1st 3 months, when i first formed AGA; when i sat down with the Exco for the 1st ever meeting.

It all seemed like yesterday, when the exco organised Tune In 2004; when Juxtapose! was organised, when the bunch of the craziest year 1s came into the band in their colourful uniforms; when magical people like huikoon, sarah, kin lok, zheng yi, yosua, xuanwei, kenny etc etc etc breathed a new kind of vibrance and colour into the band; when Band Camp Version 1 was in planning; when the exco stayed up all night to fill water bombs, when Dial M for Murder was in execution; when we all were reluctant to break camp.

It all seemed like yesterday when the band felt like a sour place to go cos of SYF tension; when we had daily band practices and school work lagged behind; when i had to run between band room and council room like a mad man for blazers; when we reached VCH in our smart outfits; when we were in the tuning room; when we were outside the concert hall wishing nyjc luck; when we were on stage playing our very very best; when the emcee went "Band No. 4, Meridian Junior College, GOLD!"; when i hugged the crying huikoon; when we did MJ cheers over and over again; when we re-enacted the SYF results scene over and over again...

It all seemed like yesterday...
ONE YEAR. swept past me like the sand of time flowing out of a broken hourglass. Why do i have to go through this bittersweet longing to go back in time everytime i end my term as a band member in the 3 bands ive been in? MJCSB brought me happiness, life, soul, benny. I hate this. i always learn to appreciate things only when im already leaving. I love the band, more than anything else in MJC. I love the Exco, the trumpet section, AGA, and the Year 1s. I love Invictus, focus, persistence, teamwork, success. I love Ms Sia, the piano, my Bach trumpet, the instrument store, every single parquet strip of the band room. I love that whiteboard we always draw on, the mallet percussion instruments. I love the lost and found cupboard, the little corner beneath it where we always plug our mp3 players into the sound system.

But it's all gone now. I'll never get back those times. Tomorrow, i'll attend my last band practice in MJCSB, my last day as Welfare Officer.

It all seemed like yesterday...

Why?

Sigh.